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Bad behavior: who is to blame?

Bad behavior: who is to blame?

My friend went to visit in an expensive designer dress, the subject of her great pride. The women present discussed her outfit for a very long time.

And the five-year-old son of one of them began to pull at the dress. A friend, of course, was frightened at her toilet and began to ask the boy not to touch her dress. But he did not stop.

Then his dad said loudly: “Sash, do you spit on this dress of Aunt Julia!” The kid literally took the words and smeared the dress with chocolate saliva. At the same time everyone was having fun, and Sasha turned into the main character of the evening.

Everyone has complaints about their own parents: someone was “passed on” by their prohibitions in childhood – but when confronted with such manifestations of “childlike immediacy”, most of us become stumped. How to raise a child so that he is polite, knows how to respect someone else’s personal space?

What kind of barriers are needed and are they really necessary in our time, when at such a price are people imposing their own standards of behavior on everyone?

Children are just a caricature of social processes taking place in the world, and in our country in particular. In Soviet times, the boundaries of what is permitted and approved were clearly established. Today, complete free will and individuality are being promoted.

Someone arranges protest actions, someone goes to downshifting and goes to Goa, someone is looking for a new religion in the MBA. Children follow parents in their search for themselves. And here there is another contradiction inherent in our national mentality.

Russian parents know that we must strive for social success. “But according to sociological surveys, we associate success not with“ correct ”behavior, but with violation of norms. We are trying to copy successful behaviors that lead to a full and beautiful life, not fully confident that we are doing the right thing, ”says Elena Grishunina, associate professor at the Graduate School of Psychology at the Institute of Psychology of the Russian Academy of Sciences. – As a result, it is difficult for both parents and children.

Moms and dads should decide for themselves what is better: to scold the child when he took the machine away from a friend, because he is stronger, or to teach him to share his wealth with everyone in a row, because you have to be kind. There can be no unambiguous and universal answer.

It is worth remembering here the philosopher Kant, who believed that “in every person there is an innate inner moral principle.”

If we consider the problem from an applied point of view, the children do not know the elementary rules of behavior in society due to the fact that parents are too exhausted by work, and when they come home, they, of course, do not want any conflicts. They are emotionally squeezed and look at the behavior of their child, who is starting to use it.

In the West, have long paid attention to this problem. “More than half of the dads and moms I talked to when I was preparing for the release of the book“ Too Much Good: Raising Children with a Character in the Age of Indulgence ”) that they are more lenient towards their children than they were in their childhood, ”says Dan Kindlon, a psychology doctor at Harvard University. “Of course, the indulgence of parents is not always the result of the rudeness of their children, but nevertheless a certain tendency can be observed. Most of the children who do not behave simply never heard that there are clear norms of behavior in society. ”

Bad behavior: who is to blame?

In other words, parents do not fulfill the role of social guide for the child. “They think that it’s enough to teach the kid to say“ thank you ”and“ please ”- this is how the requirements of politeness are exhausted,” adds Francis Stott, professor, dean of the School of Child Development at Erickson Institute in Chicago. “And not to shout, to be quiet or to pay respect to the adults present are just fantasies far from life.”

The third reason lies in the parents themselves, who do not feel self-confident. They read a lot of books on child psychology, from which they learned that sometimes it is very easy to cause a child psychological trauma and permanently cripple his fragile soul. “Such parents are sure: you can not limit the cognitive interest of the baby.

Let him run wherever he is interested, and grabs everything! But what you can afford at home is unacceptable in a public place, ”Frances Stott is confident.

Parents cease to be an authority for their children, trying to justify everything with psychological nuances. When a child shouts “shut up!”, Parents come up with many excuses for this: he is tired, wants to eat, instead of immediately stopping such behavior.

We tell the child only how wonderful, beautiful and intelligent he is, and thereby deprive him of the ability to critically evaluate his behavior in society.

“As you know, a person has certain stages of development. So, until the transitional age, a child does not have OWN PERSONAL problems, but there are psychological problems of parents that they transmit to him – not always verbally, more often with the help of such involuntary things as a smile, frowning eyebrows or just a replica about “Aunt Julia”.

Children always and very accurately catch secret subtexts, ”says Tatyana Danilova, a child psychologist at the Moscow Gestalt Institute. – Children’s rudeness is a very vague concept. Therefore, adults first need to deal with their parent script.

How can you demand from the child that he behaves quietly, like a mouse, while periodically telling him: “Well, what are you mumbling? Do you want to be second all your life? ”- and to dream about promotion? In other words, parents, and especially mothers, project their fears and expectations onto children and, of course, guilt.

And the child will try to cope with the methods available to him, hence aggression, and as a result – a violation of social norms. ”

We do not know how to clearly formulate our requests. Psychologists have long been faced with the effect of “noisy messages.” For example, the kid runs around the store.

You worry that he will be lost, and tell him the first thing that comes to mind: “You are behaving disgustingly! Watch how people look at you, think, what a disgusting boy! ”That is, we hang the feeling of guilt on the child instead of explaining to him the reason for his displeasure. Psychologists are advised to learn to use in such cases, instead of “you-statements” (“You are a disgusting boy”) “I-statements” (“I am very worried that you may get lost.

It really upsets me when you run away like this. Let’s agree that we will go for the handle “). “I-statements” are more effective than “you-statements”, because in life we ​​can answer only for ourselves and our desires, ”says psychologist Ekaterina Shadrova. – Shouts and threats spread the gap between the child and the parent, and the society in a collective sense seems to be a threatening baby, since his reaction may so negatively influence the feelings of the parents towards him. “I” and “society” are opposed to each other – this is how attempts to protest against society or, on the contrary, fear of their social failure are born. In “I-statements” there is no imposition of guilt feelings, there is only the voicing of one’s feelings and a request to pay attention to them.

This method is effective in any communication. ”

Bad behavior: who is to blame?

Rudeness and uncontrollability of the child may be associated with the peculiarities of the mental development of a particular age. For example, up to three years old baby perceives himself as part of the big world and part of his beloved mother. But at about three years old he begins to realize that there are also social relationships.

It is at this age that you can hear from him, in response to all your suggestions, the constant rude “no!”, “I don’t want!”, “I won’t!” Thus, the crumb learns to separate itself from the outside world and realize the limits of its “I”. The parent is required to set clear rules for him on what is possible and what is not. “In my practice, I encountered a baby who was throwing away all frozen food from a refrigerator,” says Elena Grishunina. – And this is the fault of parents who did not set the limits of his behavior.

If a child starts doing things like this, it is only because he is disoriented; he asks: “Explain how it is correct? Pay attention to me! I feel very helpless! ”Modern parents are uncompromising in small things (all of a sudden the kid, whose toys have been lying on the carpet for three days, should“ clean up the order now, this minute! ”), But they are very loyal to breaking the basic rules (“ Well he was rude to his grandmother, well, he stole a typewriter – what nonsense, who did not have such a thing in life! ”).

If the parent responds differently each time when the same situation occurs, it is much more difficult for the child to learn to behave correctly.

  • Make a list for yourself: what you categorically prohibit the child, what he can do occasionally, and what always. And follow him clearly.
  • Rules of conduct should be formulated very simply, briefly, and most importantly – understandable for the baby.
  • Reduce time to watch TV, strictly filter the programs and films that children watch – they easily copy the behavior of movie characters.
  • Choose for children “good” toys. Combat transformers, monsters, etc., suppress their creativity and stimulate aggression. Read them fairy tales, and do not offer comics instead.
  • Consider also that children are more excitable than adults. Do not get out of the day mode.

Of course, you paid attention to the fact that they complain about boys more often than girls: they do not know how to behave decently in a public place, shout, make noise, rush and fight everywhere. The problem is that the boys are raised mainly by women, and it’s difficult for them to understand that the boys are completely different. In his book Boys and Girls.

Two different worlds “neuropsychologists-neurophysiologists VD Eremeeva and T.P. Chryzman notice that “girls’ games more often rely on near vision: they lay out before them their” wealth “- dolls, rags – and play in a limited space, they have a rather small corner.

Boys’ games are more often based on distant vision. Boys, unlike girls, require more space than girls for full mental development.

If there is little space in the horizontal plane, then they master the vertical one: climb on the sofa, climb onto the closet, etc. ”In other words, it is useless and harmful to his development to try to make the little boy act quietly and calmly like a girl. After all, his supposedly “asocial” behavior is connected with the fact that he simply does not have the opportunity to realize his energy potential.

That is why the question of active sports in various sections for boys never loses its relevance.

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