Difficulties with falling asleep, terrible dreams with awakening, after which the child cannot calm down, are the most visible signs of anxiety. A kid can often cry during the day for some strange reason and generally behave as if he was preoccupied with something: a restless look, an instantaneous reaction to changes in the situation, impulsive movements.
The reasons may be that something strange is happening in the family for the child. Children are very sensitive, they catch the slightest changes in the family situation, and even in those cases when parents try to hide it.
Conflicts, discussions of the upcoming divorce, a difficult situation at work, giving you serious worries, illness of one of the family members – all this is unconsciously transmitted to the child and gives rise to concern.
“My husband had an accident and, although he was not at fault, it was very difficult for us. We decided not to talk about this to our son and did not even discuss the problems that had arisen with him. About a friend who died, they said that he had left, about the car – that it was being repaired, about trips to court sessions – that dad needed to go on business.
But the child is still reflected. First, he often began to talk about various horrors that might happen.
Secondly, it almost stopped sleeping alone – every night it resorts to our bedroom. And he is very afraid to drive in the car – he directly sticks into my hand … ”
The way to reduce anxiety is to clarify the situation for the child. Children need to tell the truth – whatever it may be, because even old family secrets can be the cause of a child’s poor emotional well-being.
Another thing – you need to think carefully about how to tell your child about this or that event.
Information for children should be:
An easy-to-understand child of this age. You should not tell, for example, about adultery or that one of the spouses does not want to have a child who is already expected.
Necessary, but sufficient. Some nuances of adult behavior should not be covered – they will be incomprehensible to the child. Sometimes it’s enough just to say: “We quarreled with dad, that’s why we talked like that.”
Soothing. The way you interpret events occurring in the family or in the world in general will seriously affect the child’s perception of life difficulties in the future. People may act cruelly or unfairly, there are diseases and death in the world, but life is nonetheless beautiful – perhaps this should be the main idea in the interpretation of negative events.
Supportive It is not so much that a child is bad because something happened, but because he was isolated at this time: an adult is not deeply in trouble with him. Do not be afraid to show your emotions during a conversation with your child, do not be afraid that he, too, will cry when he sees your tears – this is a natural way of reacting to help cope with your feelings.
This is manifested in the fact that for every reason you hear a protest, and it is not just “I do not want!”, But angry cries with tears and curses. A child stamps his feet, kicks tucked objects, and sometimes attacks adults.
The reasons for this behavior most often is that the baby does not receive something very important. There are periods when aggressiveness rises, as they say, within the framework of the norm.
For example, a crisis of three years is manifested by heightened aggressiveness, because the child, feeling himself an adult, wants to expand the boundaries of his independence and influence. Parents do not support this desire and oppose the attempts of the baby to subjugate the whole family.
There is a protest, which, however, soon passes – especially if the adults have helped their child to learn to separate situations where he must completely trust their opinion from those where he can show his independence.
In other cases, aggressiveness is associated with the fact that the child simply does not have enough love. Moreover, adults themselves may not feel this disadvantage, and therefore do not immediately find the true causes of changes in the child’s behavior.
Helen – affectionate and obedient girl. She is so charming and sweet that all adults, from parents to passers-by, admire the combination of her appearance with the ability to behave. But at some point, everything changed – Lena began to be rude to her grandmother, tear off house plants (“I hate these bad flowers!”) And scandals in stores.
Moreover, even the tutors in the kindergarten began to notice that Lena was quarreling for any reason and provoking conflicts. For example, it can break a built tower or select toys. In the case of comments, she cries bitterly and for a long time, to sobbing, and in no way can she calm down.
Nobody could understand the reason: everything is good, the child is loved and cared for, there are no changes in the family, except for the fact that they bought a small dog (according to Lenin’s request, and exclusively for her). But, it turned out, the dog became the cause of worries, because it was on her that the general care and attention now focused.
Of course, everyone still loved Lena, but jealousy was a strong feeling, and getting used to the fact that loved ones have another object for admiration turned out to be difficult for a child who perceived what was happening as a loss of parental love.
The way to cope with aggressiveness is simple – to give the child more love, and in the form in which it needs it. Small children cannot simply realize parental feelings – they need manifestations in the form of tender words, kisses, strokes, joint conversations and hugs.
It may seem strange, but this behavior also sometimes worries parents. This, of course, is not about those cases where the child really understood what the advantages of good deeds are, and makes them to the universal, and above all his own, joy. Correct, too adult behavior can be combined with isolation and fearfulness.
The child tries to show himself from the good side, but at the same time he avoids communication and doesn’t show his eyes.
Reasons – guilt and fear of rejection. The child has done something bad (or thought about something bad) and is afraid that now he has no forgiveness.
It happens when parents, resorting to punishment, use the most cruel and unfair methods – boycott and rejection. “Do not come any more when a small child is in my arms – you don’t understand at all that you can harm it” – such a phrase can cause protest in some children and fear in others, impressionable and vulnerable.
“… When sorting things out for children, I found a ring in toys – an old ring that belonged to my great-grandmother and was valued by our entire family. It was in a terrible state – smeared with paint, scratched, there were not a few stones at all. I was just in shock – who could do that?
And for what? I asked the children, but they were silent. Only in the evening the daughter said that Pavlik was offended by her grandmother and, in order to take revenge, took the ring and ruined it.
I felt even worse … I called him and said the worst words I could say – that he was a thief, that our family didn’t have such a bad person … And the worst thing was that I didn’t talk to him for several days and just didn’t notice him presence Recently, he remembered this incident (he is now an adult, and he has his own children), and I understood why he began to clean up the toys so carefully, painted all day and went to bed at exactly nine o’clock.
He was simply afraid that we would abandon him. I was very ashamed – how could I behave like this in relation to a small child who was not even six years old? ”
A way to fix the situation needs to be found as soon as possible – as soon as you yourself calmed down a bit and realized that you said too much. Do not try to continue the declared neutrality in the educational purposes. Go to the child, hug and calm – because your behavior could scare him.
Explain what caused your anger and why you said exactly what you said. Tell them that it was the act that was so bad, and not he himself – the child is able to understand the difference.
And, of course, assure him that, wanting to correct certain moments in his behavior, you continue to love him – always and regardless of the circumstances.
… and does it as if on purpose. In front of everyone, he wipes his hands soiled with paint on a sofa or tears his older sister’s textbook, in the presence of outsiders, utters swear words or defiantly appropriates other people’s things.
And all this despite the parents’ explanations that it is impossible to do this.
The reasons – in the desire to attract attention. A child with whom adults do not communicate enough, constantly not finding time for him, uses a variety of techniques.
He talks about what was in kindergarten – but parents ask for silence; he shows a drawn picture, but hears the standard “Well done, go play.” But as soon as he does something that cannot be done, he seeks attention for the whole day.
Children learn it quickly. And sometimes such attention is better for them than none.
Liza’s mother was tired of apologizing to the parents of other children, to the caregivers, and was tired of explaining to her daughter that she could not take someone else’s. Lisa stubbornly continued to open other people’s bags and lockers and shift the items taken from there to her shelf. The same thing – at a party or even at home … Mom was afraid to even turn to a psychologist – she was waiting for the most unpleasant explanations and predictions for the future.
But everything changed for the better in itself. Mom got married. The new dad (Liza immediately began to call him that) just adored the girl and devoted all the evenings to her, even when the second child was born.
Why didn’t my mother do this? Perhaps because, after experiencing a difficult divorce from Lizin’s dad, she unconsciously avoided contact with her daughter, which reminded her of her husband.
Or because she herself was not in the best emotional state. Or because she had to work much more.
One way or another, the problem was solved as soon as a person was found who could give attention to the child.
The way to deal with bad deeds is to reinforce good deeds and constant support. Punishments, prohibitions will be ineffective if the child receives any psychological benefit from this.
The need to achieve attention in this way will disappear – the habit will also disappear.
Cheerful and cheerful, he suddenly becomes weak and endlessly exposed to various misfortunes. Psychologists who study the condition of frequently ill children are sure: children are driven by a subconscious desire to be sick.
The cause of the disease, for example, can be a child’s fear of kindergarten and unwillingness to go there (the same can happen when a child starts going to school).
Analyze, maybe the child wants to say something with his illness? What does he get as a result – what are the advantages? If it is in your power, take up the elimination of causes.
It happens that the problem is solved relatively easily: a child who often gets sick when visiting a group with an overly strict teacher, recovers after being transferred to another group – where discipline is not so strictly understood. In other cases, everything is more complicated, and sometimes you may need professional psychological help.
The disease can be a consequence of the desire to save the family, the relationship of parents. The child feels that his problems affect his parents – they forget about their differences, caring about his health.
. At the reception of a psychotherapist is a boy who is worried about pain in his arms and legs. The examinations showed no abnormalities, but the pain recurs periodically, sometimes to the extent that it is difficult for the child to walk. The task of the psychologist in this case is to reveal the underlying motives of the disease.
And to the question of what will change, if he completely recovers, the boy lists: “A dog will be bought for me, and I will walk with it; I will not be given injections; I can play football with the boys; Dad will go to another family … ”This is probably the motive of the disease – to contain the breakdown of the family, which will inevitably happen when everything is in order.
Children, especially small ones, are dependent on adults – both physically and emotionally. Therefore, problems in the child’s behavior do not appear by themselves – adults are responsible for them too.
Of course, life is such that we cannot always foresee all negative influences – even our own behavior. But you can try to fix it.
It is in our power.
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