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Are we wrong raising boys?

Are we wrong raising boys?

“I don’t understand why today boys grow up drooling and weaklings? I remember when I, a little girl, went to kindergarten and then to school, the boys were told that it was a shame to cry, that only girls ached.

I try to educate my son this way, and in kindergarten they disagree with me. But doesn’t such upbringing spoil future men? ”

Julia B., Novosibirsk

The big problem of the education of boys in our culture, until recently, was that they were denied open expression of feelings. The boy should not cry!

The boy must be courageous since childhood! Alas, the “fruits” of this upbringing are ready patients of the psychologist, people with repressed feelings, neurotics.

In fact, the expression of feelings: resentment, tenderness, joy, etc. – is not connected with sex in any way. This is normal and good for girls and boys.

This is something that psychologists are forced to teach adults, in which parents, educators, and teachers have suppressed this in childhood. It is important to understand that the manifestation of feelings does not make boys look like girls and does not make them wimp. There are many cultures in which men openly express their emotions.

In the Caucasus, men are not ashamed of tears at all. And who will blame them for being unmanly?

Feelings need to be regulated, they need to be managed, but not suppressed. In general – what is a real man?

Believe me, men and women have different views on this concept. Women love to manipulate them.

For a woman, a “real man” is one who makes her life better. And so he is a real man. This is a question.

And the question is: how to raise a boy to live a happy life? Not others living next to him, but himself!

True, any normal man will be happy, making his woman happy, and for this you can not be selfish, you can not be lazy, and so on. That’s what his mother should raise.

“I bring up my son alone. While he is only 3 years old and there are no special problems, but I don’t even have any example of raising boys, I myself grew up without a father. Are there any universal tricks? ”

Lina S., Moscow

If mother lives alone with a boy, it is quite difficult for her to raise a man out of him. The child simply does not have a role model.

What to do? Finding a husband and father for a child is the first universal advice.

Moreover, a woman should find herself a husband, not because the baby needs a father, but because in the changed situation her behavior changes, it will be right in relation to the child. But not always this advice can be realized … Then the place of the pope, if only from time to time, should be occupied by another man: a teacher, a coach, the head of a children’s studio, etc.

If there is no father in the family, the boy is threatened with a hyper-care by the mother, which is extremely harmful and difficult for the child. Overprotect is a big problem for single mothers, and it is necessary to fight it with all your might.

To remove over-care is to stop caring too much for the child. Didn’t eat your son?

Do not worry, he wants – eat, starve to death! Have you caught a cold?

The usual thing – get well! Hyper-trust is therefore hyper, because the mother pours all her feelings into her boy: both those that were meant for him and those that were to be poured on the man.

So, remove hyperopic – this is the second universal tip for all moms.

The main task in raising a boy is to instill in him a sense of responsibility. Here is the third universal tip.

For a girl, this is not so important, because in our culture, the main difference between a man and a woman is precisely in the acceptance of personal responsibility by the representative of the stronger sex. If a man does something, he is responsible for his actions.

And every man knows that it should be so. Another thing, if he is not capable of this, it means that there was no decent sample, and there was a hyper-care on the part of the mother.

“The bride-in-law considers herself very modern, fashionable, therefore she wants to see my grandson the same. Elisha is only 7 years old, but he dresses like a real mod, and, before leaving the house, he carefully chooses what to wear.

A trip with the parents to the store for new clothes – among the main entertainment. On the one hand, this, of course, is good, that Elisha is watching himself, trying to be careful, but on the other … Is this normal behavior for a boy of his age? ”

Elvira D., Tyumen

– This is a great behavior! His parents are right: their child will grow up with a developed sense of taste, with a habit of neatness and cleanliness.

The ability to dress well is a bonus for any man. Well-dressed, girls will always like him, and fashionable, beautiful clothes do not make the boy less manly, this has nothing to do with masculinity.

Remember the photos of Russian noble children, whom it was customary to dress as children in the same way as girls, in a dress, to grow long hair, and even curl them into curls. But these young men grew up in real men.

Are we wrong raising boys?

However, not all that concerns the appearance, so clearly. In any case, it is worth remembering that everything that somehow distinguishes a boy from a collective can also harm him, leading to conflicts with his peers. It is necessary to educate (and dress as well) a child, taking into account how it is customary in the surrounding society, so that the boy would be comfortable to exist.

If, for example, it is normal in your school that a boy from the lower grades has an earring in his ear (which his mother hung him up), then that’s okay. If in your school, high school boys take care of nails in the salon, smear lips with hygienic lipstick and your son does the same – the same thing.

But there are groups where this becomes a challenge. Therefore, you need to take into account the place of your expression and the expression of your child.

“Until what age can a mom (and dad) have a boy hug him, kiss him, stroke him on the back, or sleep in the same bed? After all, I would like to express my tenderness to him, at least in childhood, while he gives it to do so … ”

Marina M. Saratov

Hugging, kissing, stroking both the boy and the girl are possible without restrictions. As they grow older, bodily contact with the child should become “more adult”, because, obviously, the father of a son at 5 and at 20 embraces in different ways.

Moms need to remember that the son grows up, she becomes husband, it is no good to lisp with him at the age of 10, as with three years old. However, he himself will not allow you to do this. It is not forbidden to sleep with parents until 2 years of age.

More precisely – to the first signals of manifestation of independence and separation of oneself from parents. An example of such a signal is when a child says: “I am no longer small, do not hug me and squeeze me.”

Usually this happens in 3 years, someone a little earlier, someone later. But!

If the child himself is not averse to cuddling, do not push him away, if he is not able to fall asleep alone, also meet him in that direction.

Before – we will say, before perestroika – and in society in general liberalism was much less, there were pioneer organizations, for example, where there were laws that, one way or another, it was necessary to comply. But you can not say that then the children behaved better.

Children never behave better or worse, always about the same. And exactly as far as they are allowed. Today – yes, they allow more.

However, the idea that “before children behaved better,” haunts humanity the last 2 thousand years. This is not a joke: in the times of Ancient Rome it was said that “before, the youth was more educated.”

Why it happens? When you see children who behave inappropriately, you explain this by their bad upbringing.

But in your childhood you didn’t always behave yourself either, did you? But ask you now about some episode of your disobedience, for sure explain everything with the “current situation”. And this approach is completely normal and peculiar to all people.

Now they are guilty, but then not me, but the “situation”. It is from this and so critical attitude towards today’s children.

“I recently had to blush on the playground in the yard. My first-grade son threw sticks at passersby, and two of his friends watched and laughed about what the neighbors told me. With age, it becomes completely unmanageable.

Why did he do it? And what should I do? ”

Why did he need to ask him. In general, do not think that a child sees reality as an adult: he observes the world in an absolutely alternative way. At the age of 7, he still does not have clear moral criteria, he simply does not understand that people may experience something.

Higher mental functions, such as belonging and sympathy, are brought up as a person matures. Your son has committed a random misconduct. But he did a bad thing, and he had to point it out, that is, punish him.

It is necessary to stop lisp with the child, and treat him as an adult, as an independent person – at any age! When doing something wrong by design – to punish by all means.

Then it will behave accordingly. Uncontrollable – it means not respecting the authority of relatives. And those, therefore, failed their role position, do not consider themselves to be the main ones and try to negotiate with the child.

It is not right. But not too late to fix it.

Let me remind you that A.S. Makarenko.

He had a situation where the child with his behavior so angry the teacher that he hit him. And after what had happened, he experienced remorse for a long time. And then I watched the punished and made sure: it works!

The child understood who was in charge here, and became more obedient.

I do not call for physical punishment (although it is easier and sometimes it is worth resorting to this), but punishment in education is necessary, you can deprive of something, for example, leave without tasty food. A child without punishment simply will not have the motivation for obedience, we remember that all moral norms are not yet available to him. Parents say what not to do, but not punished if he does not listen to them.

On the contrary, they continue to caress him, feed him. Who is in charge here?

Who is on top? Child! And he is there, on top, very good.

That is, in bringing up both a boy and a girl, there must be instruments of punishment and encouragement that will allow parents to choose the right – main – role. Authority is not something that parents get automatically. You need to earn it.

Of course, our mothers, who literally live in the genes, remember that there are few men in the country (the last war left an unhealing wound in the heart of even the current generation) and for some of which the Boy is the embodiment of the dream of both the Son and the Man immediately , credibility is hard to earn. But you have to overcome yourself for the sake of this very Son.

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