We are all living people, and we are overwhelmed by different feelings. But you must admit: when on the other side of the scales it is possible for a child to find another loved one and maintain a relationship with his father, it is worth our efforts.
If the divorce happened not so long ago, was not amicable for both sides and the wounds are still fresh, then the mother, releasing the child to meet with her father, often puts an iron condition: not to see in the presence of a new passion. A variety of feelings can push this: jealousy and the subconscious fear that an alien woman now claims not only the love of her ex-husband, but also the child.
“If post-divorce stress has not subsided, you should not force events,” suggests the psychotherapist Tatyana Mizinova. – In this situation, it is often really better if the father first meets with the child alone. After all, the order of life that had been understood and debugged for the child also collapsed.
And he needs to gradually get used to the new. If father’s “half” enters the baby’s life not immediately and he first adapts to the already changed state of affairs, this will only reduce stress. ”
It is important to allow all experiences to subside. If the mother is unable to cope with her emotions and starts asking the child about a new companion, the child, feeling perfectly the tension that prevails between adults, finds herself in a difficult position.
He is left with no choice: one must either lie that “aunt is bad” or tell the truth, causing mother’s displeasure. But this state of affairs is temporary, and the child will need to be introduced into a new home.
“If for some reason or another, a son or daughter is fenced off from his father’s family for some reason, then the impossibility to form your own idea of the new life of the parent, about what is happening in his house, traumatizes the child and causes him to think that he is a stranger there,” Gestalt therapist Maria Lekareva-Bozenkova. – Excessive control by the mother will eventually lead only to the alienation between her and the child. After all, if the meeting in the presence of the new wife of the father will still happen, the baby will have to hide them.
Not easy in this situation and a man. If he is found only in neutral territory, then the new wife may eventually begin to be jealous of the influence of the child and put up some conditions on his part.
Not all fathers will be ready to literally pass between Scylla and Charybdis, someone does not withstand double pressure and begins to avoid meetings. ”
Life does not stand still. And once the plot is enriched by another hero – a brother or sister, who is born in my father’s new family. The appearance of a new baby is a happy, but also rather difficult moment for a full family.
And it is important that the child is gradually prepared for this event. Ideally, the child’s mother, father and new wife should take part in this. It is important for the future mother to remember that the baby she is waiting for already has a brother or sister, that is, a person close to him.
And her attitude to the older child in many ways lays the foundation for children’s friendship. If the baby is very small, she can pay his attention to the fact that in her tummy she has a little brother or sister who can already say hello.
And with which in the future they will certainly play together.
“I specially prepared Nastya, the three-year-old daughter of her husband, for the fact that soon her little brother would live with us,” says Anna. – Showed her babies in pictures and in other carriages, told her how we would be bathing, dressing and swinging a baby. At the same time, we discussed what she herself wants to do.
And we agreed that she would smear him with cream, teach him to smile, laugh, run and jump. I explained to her that a born brother still could not do anything, much less walk, and therefore he would be carried in his arms.
And she, of course, will also be worn, but of course. But how unlucky the baby is – he still cannot run and play. And Nastya can, that’s how great! ”
“As much as possible to talk about the new family member long before his appearance, helping the child to internally adapt this idea is absolutely the right decision,” supports young mother Tatyana Mizinova. “And it’s wonderful that the future brother figured as an extremely positive character.”
Here everything is exactly the same as at the birth of the youngest in a complete family. It is very important that the child understands: the newborn will not become a competitor to him, on the contrary, another ally and friend has come for cooperative games.
Which will need his, older, care and protection. It is necessary to talk about this with the child, even if he does not ask questions on this topic.
However, before the birth of the infant, the pope should not sharply pay any special attention to the elder.
“Devoting all free time to games, suddenly giving presents and occasionally agreeing in advance so that the child will certainly“ love his brother or sister, ”parents prepare the ground for further childish manipulations, warns Tatiana Mizinova. – In addition, immediately after birth, both mother and newborn require increased attention. And at the same time, the pope will hardly be able to maintain the same intensive level of communication with the child that was created up to this point.
It is here that the senior may feel keenly that the reason for the unexpectedly changed attitude to him is a small competitor. ”
In many ways, the reaction of the baby to the appearance in the family of a dad of a brother or sister depends on age. Up to three years, a sibling is perceived as a given and enters the life of an elder, as a rule, without conflict. All questions will begin later.
The age of three to five years can be a rather difficult period: children go through the phase of the Oedipal complex. If this is a girl, then she has a heightened feeling that after the divorce, her father left her and not her mother.
The new wife is seen as a rival, everything connected with her, including the child, causes protest. The boy at this time loses the object for self-identification and is also hard going through it.
Moreover, children cannot yet fully pronounce their feelings and find adequate contact with adults, although they are overwhelmed by very strong experiences. During this period, it is especially important to have patience with both the father and the new spouse, understanding that demarches and whims need to be relived, and the child now needs support and understanding. If the eldest child defiantly avoids the younger one or speaks unfriendly at him, this is not a reason to deliberately separate the children.
It is only important not to leave them alone and make sure that the baby is not offended, but at the same time patiently continue conversations aimed at rapprochement. Eventually, the child will get used to his brother or sister and will begin to show interest in him. With children of primary school age to find a common language is easier.
Of course, it is more difficult for them to take mutually interesting games because of the difference in years, so it is important to emphasize the importance of the child as an older brother or sister. Pay attention that he is a role model and the kid takes an example from him.
But it is also important to do this delicately, so that the younger one does not develop the complex of an “unattainable older brother”.
“When a seven-year-old daughter of her husband comes to us and we all go for a walk together, it is she who carries the stroller with her brother,” says Marina. – And he really does not scandalize, if she puts a hat on him, with us she is always naughty. And she always manages to cheer him up.
We constantly emphasize this moment, and the girl is very proud of it. ”
For many women who are in the role of stepmother, the question arises: how to behave in a situation where the child crosses the border, and often consciously checks them. He begins to paint on the walls or, worse, offends the younger child, tyrannizes the cat, does not listen when crossing the road.
Of course, when you want to stop such behavior, folklore about an evil bitchy stepmother and a hurt, innocent child climbs into your head.
“A stepmother should not pretend to be a“ good fairy ”, and then pass on her dissatisfaction to her father, who scolds,” Tatyana Mizinova is convinced. – The child understands that, without saying anything to him openly, but telling her father, she betrayed him. Children feel this insincerity very well. ”
In the end, even the most angelicly patient will fail, punish, and a sharp destruction of the image will occur. Then from the cute and everything allowing it, from the point of view of the child, will turn into “evil and deceitful.”
After all, before everything was possible, and then the rules have changed dramatically. So children, sometimes unconsciously, bring adults to the clear water, showing us the entire failure of the populist position, designed to conquer pseudo-love.
“There should be clear rules on what to do and what not, and all adults should adhere to these boundaries,” reminds Tatiana Mizinova. “If it is impossible to paint on the walls, then when it happened in the presence of the stepmother, she should inform about the inadmissibility of such arts.”
And if something the child is used to — say, eating not at the table, but carrying pieces into all the rooms — seems to the stepmother unacceptable (if only because he gives a bad example to the younger one) and she would not want them to in the house he did it, it is important to first discuss this with the father of the child, with his support. Children are very plastic by nature and are well assimilated that in different homes there can be somewhat dissimilar orders that it is nonetheless important to respect.
After all, sometimes grandparents who pamper a baby are allowed a little more. Children know this very well, which does not prevent them from following the rules set by their parents at home. So, if in the new father’s family something is additionally possible or impossible for the child, it will not confuse him.
It is only important that my father’s wife does not pretend, but truly fully shares the rules once established.
We have to admit that even the most amicable children do not always want to sing the chorus. If only because they just have different hobbies.
“The papa should respect the interests of children and joint pastime, interesting for both parties, combined with tete-a-tete communication,” says Maria Lekareva-Bozenenkova. – This is especially true of the older child, who a priori communicates less with his father. The time that the father will devote only to the elder reinforces the child’s confidence: as a member of the family, he is loved, supported and understood. ”
But face to face meetings should not be of a prevailing nature.
“If the kid does not fully understand that, having played with him, the father goes to another child, then as he grows up, he begins to realize this perfectly,” warns Tatiana Mizinova. “If he spends more time with him, maybe he loves him more?” The child begins to think. And only joint communication and equal, equally attentive attitude to all children creates for the older a real picture of what is happening. ”
A separate conversation – about meetings on holidays. For the child, the New Year and Birthday are days shrouded in magic, when it is so desirable that both Dad and Mom are next.
“If you probably don’t get together on New Year’s Eve, you can show your imagination and invite Santa Claus, who will tell you that he met with his father and learned a lot from him about the little one,” suggests Maria Lekareva-Bozenkova. “Such attention will be pleasant to the child and will give him confidence: dad loves him and always thinks about him.”
On vacation days it is worthwhile to allocate more time for co-hosting. But at the celebration of the birthday dad should attend.
Even if the former spouses have no desire to see each other, for the sake of a child for a couple of hours it is important to find the strength for a diplomatic truce.
“Nothing hurts children like waiting for a meeting and canceling it,” says Tatyana Mizinova. – This is a situation where they feel really unnecessary, unloved, thrown out of the life of his father. If papa honestly says that he will not be able to come, this is an insult.
If he promised to come and deceived – this is already a trauma. ”
All parents, who at least once visited the sandpit with their children, know perfectly well that when a stranger’s toy is desired, no matter how parents call for justice and its owner cry, there is no strength to part with it. Negotiation processes require endurance and fine diplomatic skills from all parties.
When the “object of desire” appears in the house of a brother and sister, it is even harder to resolve this conflict.
“The desire to satisfy in any way all the claims to other people’s toys, to allow to take them with you every time, even at the cost of tears and discontent of the younger one, can only aggravate the situation,” says Tatyana Mizinova. – The position “Dad left, now everyone needs me …” will be gradually formed. And things will turn into a surrogate equivalent of parental love. “
It is better to avoid the obvious difference between the quantity and quality of toys bought by children. But the habit of immediately immediately giving everything to the elder or buying a similar one, satisfying all his desires as an “offended side,” will painfully respond in the future to everyone. And for the older one, who will not be taught to respect the rights of a brother or sister.
And for the younger, because such an obvious injustice does not add love and confidence to the sibling. And for a father with a stepmother, who sooner or later simply will not be able to buy the location of a child, whose desires will grow with age. The main thing that is important to observe is the amount of attention and time that the father gives quality to the children.
And here it is entirely in his power to make the elder not deprived and always feel: his life and the interests of the pope are not indifferent. And it is this – that reliable foundation on which the friendship of children will be built.