A child crying for resentment or pain does not control his behavior: he literally fills with tears, opening his mouth wide, sniffing, blowing his nose, smearing everything on his face with his hands, smearing his and his mother’s clothes. When this happens on the street or in public places, even the most impressionable parents are not inclined to sentiment and pity.
They say: “Well, what did you do? Look at you! After all, nothing happened! ”And, of course, they cite as an example those other children who never cry.
These guys are calm, do not attract the attention of people, are always ready to share with their sufferer their clean and dry handkerchiefs. Non-paying children, of course, make our lives calmer.
Tears, shouts, complaints mean problems that need to be dealt with, find out who is right, who is to blame, blow on the hurt place, calm down, decide what to do next. No tears – no problem.
Of course, these children are superheroes for us. And they are not taken to ask: “Why are you like this? Do you sometimes want to cry? ”And in vain!
Sometimes superheroes really need such questions (“Why didn’t you cry?”, “How much did you hurt?”, “Who hurt you so much, that you don’t even complain?”).
In early childhood, these children cry the same way as everyone, but at the age of three or four years something changes. They become more restrained in comparison with peers, react to circumstances not so directly.
But not because they experience less pain. They just start to monitor their emotions and work with them. Of course, this is done not by volitional effort or intentionally – just this is the peculiarity of the nervous system and the emerging character.
Where most children of their age cry in response to pain, these react like this: “It hurts, but you can be patient.” There is no reactive expression of emotions – the child experiences them within himself. And the older he gets, the more pronounced this quality is.
Sometimes it seems that there is nothing at all that could make him mad or upset. Therefore, often adults are not even aware of children’s experiences. He, perceiving this as a norm, becomes even more restrained, and as a result, by the adult age, he withdraws from external manifestations of feelings, concentrating the emotional life inside.
Of course, this entails problems in communication, and sometimes it becomes an unbearable burden. Neurotic disorders and psychosomatic diseases often occur among those who do not like to cry and complain. But the problem lies precisely in the fact that it can be difficult to teach a child of such a warehouse.
You can, tracking experiences (and they are easy to notice: the child becomes pensive, focused, sad), talk more about them.
Give your assessment of the situation, emphasize that you understand its complexity, encourage and support (“You restrained yourself and did not cry. But, after all, it was probably difficult for you?”).
Praise for the ability to control oneself, but not very actively, otherwise the child will not even consider any other behavior in the future. Tell that you yourself in such situations at his age were often frustrated and even cried, remember some concrete example. This will be the “vaccination” against the formation of the emotional shell.
The child will begin to understand that expressing any feelings is normal.
The threshold of sensitivity to pain in all children is different even at the same age: one child cries, and for the second, a similar effect seems quite insignificant. This concerns pain not only physical, but also psychological.
Resentment, anger and discontent of others – we all perceive it differently.
Such “it doesn’t hurt me”, as a rule, is brought up not intentionally and depends not on personal characteristics, but on the conditions in which the child grows. They should not be classic, nice and greenhouse, but a little spartan, without any special tenderness, lisping and hyper-care.
Most often these are children from large families – first and middle. Parents do not really understand the meaning of their children’s problems, they are not very impressed with their experiences, and the children themselves have to deal with their emotions and take care of their mood.
In addition, the experiences themselves in such a situation are less – the threshold of perception to different negative influences increases. When a toy was taken away suddenly and unexpectedly, it is insulting.
But when it happens all the time, when someone repeatedly takes something from someone a day, it becomes normal. The child will not cry about this, he will think about how to make sure that he is not taken away (or how to take it himself).
The experience of physical pain in this case is less pronounced and shorter in time: wept and calmed down. This behavior is also observed in families practicing natural, so-called “field”, upbringing – when they do not care too much because of internal convictions, not because of circumstances. With age, children, of course, become more confident in their abilities, not prone to reflection, less prone to stress.
But it is very difficult for them to understand the experiences of others: even by their pronounced mimicry, they sometimes cannot identify emotions. And, of course, communication with them can be tense, because restraint seems to others as indifference and callousness. Parents should keep this in mind: we cannot show care, affection, sympathy, tenderness, if we have not received it in abundance in childhood.
So in a large family it is very important to pay attention not to all children, but to each one individually and directly. Let it be a few minutes a day, but the real ones are warm, with close hugs, kisses, stroking on the head (sometimes talking to children is not enough!).
A small child cries, feeling hungry, uncomfortable or scared. Then the mother takes him in her arms, calms him, makes it clear that he is protected.
In the future, we, unconsciously accepting this pattern, demonstrate an insult or vulnerability in order to cause an appropriate response. We cry to calm us down – and this is what happens all our lives.
If in childhood the connection between your emotions and the emotions of those around you is broken, then, of course, you want to change someone else’s, but it’s easier – your own.
Why parents do not allow children to show these or other emotions is hard to say. Perhaps the roots of this come from their own childhood, and it can no longer be understood without special help.
Or maybe just from the lack of true love and warmth for the child. The third option is easier.
The dominant position makes the upbringing process as convenient as possible: “I said that it is possible and what not – everything, no more questions!” Relationships are especially dramatic when different rules apply to children in one family: one can cry and the other cannot . This affects their own personal relations in the most direct way. Friendship and truly close relations between such brothers and sisters never happens.
And the child who is not allowed to cry becomes tense, sometimes even aggressive, although outwardly he remains calm. If the slightest signs of aggression are also monitored and punished, the probability of auto-aggressive behavior becomes great (the child begins to bite his nails, scratch the skin, pull his hair). It is not as noticeable as hysteria and tears, so parents are happy – they have developed willpower.
But, of course, there is nothing to rejoice: it is these children who are prone to nervous breakdowns, sudden negative changes in behavior. They often can not adapt to the team, avoid communication and suffer, not knowing how to treat problems properly.
The parenting stage, in which the child received help from outside, was missed, and without him it is impossible to master the skills of self-help.
Here it is important that adults understand themselves and answer the question why it is unpleasant for them to see tears, hear complaints, watch any manifestations of the weakness of their child. The answer, most likely, will not please, because in almost any case it will mean problems in relations with your own child.
But whatever it is (the child appeared at the wrong time, you see in him the features of a partner that you don’t like, just the love is not very strong, etc.), try to show more warm feelings just because you need to. This is possible, and, by the way, it is often the deliberate expression of emotions that helps to correct relationships. Frequently ask questions, respond positively (responsively, with readiness to help) to tears and complaints.
Every time when irritation begins to boil in you, imagine yourself in the place of a child: what would you like to hear from your mother if you fell into a puddle? It is unlikely that accusations of embarrassment and evil intent bring everyone in trouble?
Most likely, consolation and assurances that everything will be fine and something else is very simple and affectionate, like “kitten” or “bunny”. Both have the power to immediately solve all problems.
It is very important to regret, help and support, because only having enlisted our strength and confidence, children find their own.
A child who does not cry is perceived by adults – both by parents and by strangers – as an achievement (“What a balanced and calm!”). Child restraint, as a rule, we consider our great merit.
And all because non-paying children make our lives calmer. But the little ones can not just, they should cry and complain.
We should pity them, help, encourage, support.