When the Petrovs had a child, with the addition of their family they came to congratulate the grandparents (only 4 people). They presented flowers (2 bouquets), gifts (part – in monetary terms), expressed joy (countless times) and wept with happiness (twice – only grandmothers).
After that, they gave valuable advice on choosing a name for the child. The arguments were as follows:
“It would be nice to give the child an ancient Greek name”;
“Call it what you want, only not so … And – not so … And even more so – not so”;
“In our family, children are called in honor of the great-grandfather of the male line”;
“And in our family it is customary not to interfere in the affairs of others. And by the way, our great-grandfather left a legacy. “
How will the child eventually be named if it is known that his parents are already tired of listening to all this, and the great-grandfathers were called Nikolay and Vasily – while the newborn baby is a girl?
Creating a family, we conclude an alliance with one person. But those who will henceforth influence our lives, directly or indirectly, will be much more.
And even in those cases when communication with new relatives is minimized. After all, our chosen one is part of the family in which he grew up, and the customs, traditions, lifestyle, which he learned from childhood, are the norm for him. Most of the views on life, we learn at the first stage of relationships – and it is on them that we are guided, thinking about the possibility of creating a family.
But some things can only appear with time, in the process of close communication. These features may please us – and even more will convince us of the correctness of our choice, it may seem strange, with which, although it would not be desirable, it will still have to be reconciled, and may become a serious obstacle to further relations. And it can concern absolutely every area of life – work, attitude to money, raising children and even celebrating holidays, when the traditions of one family may be completely unacceptable for another.
In most cases, serious disagreements can be avoided – if both people from the couple are really determined to create their own family and, therefore, to some distance from those families where they were children. This is the law of life: creating a new, to a certain extent, we must destroy the old. Of course, this does not mean a complete rupture of relations with parents, but the whole course of family life should henceforth be determined by the joint decisions of two people.
The family is a man, a woman, and their children. And all the other relatives, including parents, are close, dear people, but … no longer a family.
Mom plays with Lena. During the game, a grandmother joins them, who, wanting to make adjustments to the course of the game, makes several comments and warnings:
“Do not throw toys, they also break”;
“You have to listen to your grandmother, she has a rich life experience”;
“We must look at the mother who threw the toys and therefore did not learn to distinguish the good from the bad”
Mom stops to like the game, besides, seeing the child’s bewilderment, she explains to the grandmother’s daughter some rules:
“A child learns to distinguish between good and bad when his parents are engaged, and not when he has been in a nursery since six months”;
“If one person does not like something, it does not mean that it is bad.”
On which side in the dispute will Lenochka and what exactly she will say, if it is known that she was 8 months old at the time?
Parents and children – this is the closest connection, and the feelings experienced in this relationship, in their emotionality have no equal. People in adulthood often can not cope with children’s disappointments, can not forgive the parents of their children’s offenses. Moreover, it is difficult to speak frankly on such topics – they are very painful and are perceived too close to the heart.
Therefore, adults often resort to intermediaries – expressing feelings indirectly is much easier. But the mediator in this situation also has a hard time.
Even if he is too small to understand the meaning of the expressions “to spoil his whole life” and “never to love”, he can feel the emotions that people around him experience. We seem to convey our feelings to the baby – and it is not surprising that after family conflicts babies cannot calm down for hours, even if they were not in the room where the quarrel occurred. Attracting an older child as an intermediary can also affect his condition.
For well-being and development, children need a sense of stability and love, and with their stories adults can destroy the familiar world – especially since the child cannot understand the full depth of adult problems. So it’s worth to solve deep and long-standing family problems by yourself – and leave your grievances against your parents.
Now that you have your own children, it will be much easier to do this. You can already stand in the place of adults and understand what their or other actions were caused by.
If this understanding does not come by itself, then you should start a conversation on a topic that is relevant to you. Do not be afraid of open emotions and sincerity – pronouncing always reduces the problem, even if it initially leads to conflict.
As a result, the relationship will become warmer and more trusting – and this is important both for each individual person and for close people in general.
Grandmother and grandfather of little Serezha made 18 phone calls in the evening (all to Serezha’s parents). During the first call, they said that it was necessary to open the window in the children’s room – in order to thoroughly air her (the room). During the second – that we must not forget to close the window, so that the room, God forbid, do not overcool.
During the third, fourth and fifth calls, they strongly advised to eliminate all yellow vegetables from the diet in order to avoid allergies. During the sixth, they remembered that red vegetables are even more dangerous than yellow vegetables.
Calls from the seventh to the tenth were devoted to the fact that the child should be shown to pediatricians from the newest “Healthiest Children” center, and all subsequent calls should be given to the fact that Serezha’s parents and he should be grateful to their grandparents for inexhaustible care.
What will be the real threat to Serezha’s life and health if the phone is turned off within 24 hours?
The older generation always tries to pass on their experience and knowledge to the younger generation – this is natural. However, the perseverance with which advice is given to young parents by grandparents, as well as the number of tips, makes one doubt that it’s only a matter of wanting to help.
Psychologists believe that super-caring grandparents are made thanks to … their guilt in front of their own children. Remembering, sometimes unconsciously, their parental mistakes and blunders, they now try to be perfect, and at the same time make sure (and convince others) that others in the role of parents are no better than them. Another cause disproportionate to the needs of young people is fear.
The creation by children of their own families, the appearance of their children with joy brings alarm: “We are no longer so young, most of life is behind.” Few people such thoughts leave indifferent. But people who are active in the professional and social spheres, they are much less worried than those who are already retired and for whom grandchildren are the only way to apply their strength.
Parents often find it difficult to treat such help with gratitude (as grandparents want), especially since advice can be heard not only from those who are really ready to devote all their time to raising their grandchildren, but also from those who just come to visit. . As a result – mutual discontent, mutual recriminations and even greater confusion of relations. “You didn’t even breastfeed me, I was in a twenty-four-hour kindergarten for six months, and now you say that I’m not raising a child well?” .
To be condescending and even a bit ironic is the only way out for those who are hampered by the situation of constant advice. When living together it is best to clearly divide the care of the child by time and to observe the rule: when one person is engaged in a child, others do not intervene.
For the child himself, such an approach is also more useful – after all, a large number of fussing people can ruffle anyone. Yes, and safer: when they look after everything, the sense of responsibility of each decreases and the child actually remains unattended.
Masha turned 4 years old. At the family celebration dedicated to her birthday, grandparents were delighted with the skills and talents of her beloved granddaughter.
“Actually, nothing surprising,” said grandmother — mother’s mother — after all, my daughter learned all the letters very early.
“Well, our son at that age already knew how to read signs in shop windows,” said grandma, father’s mother.
“So our daughter already read the books,” Mom’s mom suddenly remembered.
“By the first class, Sergey read everything … of Shakespeare,” father’s mother suddenly answered for herself … Then they brought a cake with candles, and therefore my mother’s mother did not have time to say that her daughter in the first class could write critical articles to Shakespeare’s works .
What is the intelligence coefficient of Masha’s parents on the Stanford – Binet scale, assuming that at least 30 percent of the information is true?
Parents tend to exaggerate the achievements and good qualities of their child. The reason is love.
And to him, and to himself. Children are our continuation and the result of upbringing, and therefore recognizing that a child is bad in some way means that we are also bad in this.
Therefore, we are inclined to consider all the good qualities and abilities of the child as its merit, and the bad ones – the merit of that other from whom he could inherit all this. If family relationships are good, then this is usually not a problem. Loving another person, we even positively regard his negative qualities.
A serious analysis of who inherited what, and from whom, begins when there are mutual claims and intractable contradictions in a relationship. Perhaps that is why more often the representatives of the older generation – grandparents – are prone to such conclusions. Indeed, in their attitude to the chosen one of their child there can be no true love, it still remains a stranger to them.
They can critically evaluate all his qualities, both together and separately, even when their son (or daughter) sees only the good. Of course, not all grandparents are sharply negatively disposed, but nevertheless, part of family conflicts and even divorces is associated with hostile relations on the part of parents. Here, besides the condescending attitude, more stringent measures may be needed.
Namely, to stop the criticism of parents against their husband or wife and never allow them to discuss its shortcomings in their presence. Disputes on the same topic with respect to the child – grandson – are also unacceptable: such unhealthy competition acts very badly on the family situation and on the baby himself. How exactly to stop the grandmother?
Maybe a joke, maybe a more specific point, maybe you need a serious conversation. Of course, the grandmother is unlikely to change her mind after that, but her behavior is likely to be different.
Natasha (5 years) lives with her grandmother every month for several days. Every time when she returns home, in her behavior are found different strangeness, not peculiar to the girl before.
For example, she refuses to dress herself, citing the fact that she is still small, whimpers and in a plaintive voice begging her mother for toys at the store. Literally two days later, she begins to act as before – until the next visit to her grandmother.
How much does it get on the nerves of mom and dad and which of them is stronger?
Grandparents treat their grandchildren differently than their own children – even when they were small. And the reasons are not only that now, with free time, they can pay more attention to the needs of the child. People change with age – they become softer, more tolerant and they understand that life is important and what is minor.
Older people value life in all its manifestations more, and often they don’t want to engage in the strict upbringing of their grandchildren at all – they are happy about the opportunity to be with them and get involved in the world of childhood. Of course, much depends on the individual characteristics of grandparents, but on the whole they are, of course, more indulgent towards their grandchildren and more likely to indulge them. Grandchildren are not against it – especially since they quickly learn all the strengths and weaknesses of grandmothers and use it for their own purposes.
And this, of course, is a manipulation, but one that is not fraught with any danger. It’s just that the child, through the example of communicating with the grandmother, understands that it is worth behaving differently with different people, and improves this knowledge. Parents should not worry about this – because there are more pluses than minuses.
And you should not discuss the methods of raising grandparents in the presence of a child, telling the child not to tell them about it. Such behavior of parents can really make a child a mercenary manipulator – with the most negative consequences for his personal development and upbringing.
Sasha is very happy – grandmother and grandfather, who live in another city, will soon come to visit them. They will come for a month – and Sasha has already drawn their portraits for the meeting and folded the lock from the new designer.
His joy is shared by the puppy Laika and the hamster Terminator. “Is a month a long time?” Sasha asks the father. Dad thinks for a long time, then replies: “It’s a long time. So long that I probably can not stand. “
And goes on a business trip.
For how long did dad leave for business?
Separation from parents, which was mentioned in Problem 1, does not at all imply a reduction of contacts or even a complete refusal to communicate. Quite the contrary: good, warm relations with the parent families of the husband and wife are one of the factors of strong relationships. In addition, grandparents are very necessary for children.
After all, they are part of the family and, therefore, also form the child’s ideas about life, give confidence and a sense of security. Communication on holidays and weekdays, phone calls, care and readiness to help your parents and other relatives – all this would be a great educational moment.
After all, children learn more of the parental example than specific instructions. We can not even talk about respect for elders, about how important our support to loved ones is – children will understand this this way if they see that this is what we do in everyday life.
And they will take with us an example. And as adults, they will treat us in the same way as we now treat our parents.
Why do modern children need a grandfather
We know from books and films that in a traditional Russian family, grandfather was its head and, perhaps, the most important person not only grandchildren, but also adult children were afraid to disobey. Over the past decade, the role of the grandfather has undergone significant changes.
What place does he occupy in the family structure today? Read more
Congratulations, you have a grandson!
Modern grandmother is very different from the traditional image that has recently been drawn to us in the imagination. She travels, teaches new languages and is certainly not in a hurry to give up her work in order to bake her grandchildren’s pies. “What kind of selfishness!” – indignant parents. “We also have our own interests!” – the “new” grandmothers parry. Read more
10 phrases from our childhood that are not worth talking to a child
We often pronounce these phrases thoughtlessly, without realizing what consequences they will have for the child. Most often this happens when we are upset, tired, in general – under stress.
They seem to fly out of their mouths themselves. After all, these are the very phrases that have deeply wounded us in childhood.
Repeating them to the child, we pass on our own negative experience. Read more