Most people remember the beginning of a relationship and the first months of their life together with mild sadness. “We loved each other so much – we just could not live a day apart. From morning to night together, looking into the eyes, holding hands, – so we were ready to spend every day. Flowers, gifts, sea of tender words, and the whole world only for us … Now everything, of course, is not so … ”In fact, it’s very good that such feelings do not last long.
Imagine how many interesting things you would have missed if you continued to look only at each other and hold each other’s hands. All life would pass by thanks to such love.
So nature has acted very wisely, limiting the timing of romantic feelings. Although she thought at the same time, of course, about the other – about the children. Strong feelings are needed to create couples and ensure the birth of a child.
But then people should sharply switch to the baby. So, nature decided, love in its original, passionate form should last from one to two years. After that, let the woman continue to take care of the children, putting them on their feet, and the man will think whether anyone else needs to be provided with offspring.
And then you never know … Flooding, such as hunger, wild beasts – the more people left, the better for humanity.
With the change of climate and living conditions, people managed to correct something from the plan of nature. For example, by significantly limiting polygamy, creating relatively stable marriage unions (although too much effort is spent on fighting male care for procreation of all females). But in many ways, nature has remained adamant.
Passion must go! All attention to children!
For many, this turns out to be a surprise, and after a year of living together more than half of marriages are threatened with disintegration, unable to stand the test of routine, with the feeling that “everything turned out to be wrong.” Many do not even want to make an effort to change something.
They break up, never knowing that passion is being replaced by equally beautiful and surprising feelings. That the life of two people in a marriage is not a descent on an inclined plane of emotions, but constant changes with ups and downs (and even passion, by the way, returns cyclically).
Psychologists have long noticed one interesting feature. People who are married happily rate the lives and feelings of their parents as also happiness.
Those who believe that love can last a lifetime, had the opportunity to observe the touching and tender feelings of their mom and dad, as well as grandparents. Is love really inherited? Yes, for the most part it is.
What should be the relationship, what to do it – we learn all this from early childhood on the examples of loved ones. Moreover, both fundamental facts (for example, the presence or absence of conflicts, divorces, joint or separate residence in and of themselves) and many small things that we sometimes do not even notice are important.
Kissing at meetings and partings, the habit of asking how the day went – each of us has such a set of pictures of family life to adulthood, and we are guided by it, choosing our companion and building relationships with it.
“I made an offer to my wife when she bandaged a wound on my leg. Probably, it is strange, but at that very moment I realized that I love her very much.
She stroked me so gently on the head, so gently blew on the bandaged knee … I remembered how, twenty years ago, my mom was also bandaging my father’s leg when we went camping. True, I remembered it only later, when everyone began to ask why I chose such an unexpected situation for the proposal.
And at that moment it dawned on me – that’s definitely love! I was not mistaken – we have two children, and relations are still as gentle ”(Oleg, 34 years old).
But how exactly to show love? What should be available for children’s eyes, and what should be under the heading “For adults only”? This question is more difficult to answer than it seems.
Because the matter is probably not in a concrete action, but in how exactly this happens. Hugs, kisses, caresses – well, almost everything, except for directly intimate relationships – does not make sense to hide all this. Does it often cause jealousy in a child?
Do not worry – jealousy in small sizes is even useful, and getting used to the idea that there is a personal relationship between parents is better as soon as possible. But feel the difference between the situations!
The first. Parents sit on the couch, hug and share playful caresses. The child, seeing this, throws his toys and jumps on them.
A very small child can literally forcibly drag mother away from papa, the older child will simply try to attract their attention with them. They, understanding this and finding the situation fun, quickly switch to it. What is happening now looks more like a noisy game than a caress.
The child, satisfied that everything is in its place and is not forgotten, returns to his toys again.
The second situation begins in the same way, but a child trying to grab attention hears cues of discontent. “Listen, can you leave your parents alone for a minute?”, “Go and take care of your toys!” – they say to him and with his whole appearance show that his presence at the moment is very undesirable. What can a child feel in the first case? Confidence and a sense of stability.
And it will continue, even if sometimes parents leave it in the care of grandmothers or nannies, going for a walk together. And in the second, jealousy can become very strong. The child has a feeling of anxiety and uselessness, which can manifest itself in a sleep disorder, obsessive actions, deliberately negative actions or even the most actual diseases.
Headache, enuresis, disorders of the stomach and intestines – these may be the consequences that emerged by the mechanism of conditional desirability. “They love me only if I am ill, and in general my parents are not up to me” – something like this feeling triggers the desire to get sick and attract parental love to oneself. So this is another example of the fact that everything is good in moderation. “We love each other very much, but we love you no less, and you do not interfere, but you make our life even better” – a child should understand this.
No, do not understand – constantly feel.
As for sexual relations, then there should be less restrictions. To see everything that happens in the bedroom, the child is not worth it.
But the fact that parents want to be together, to be in close proximity, to hide to anything. And do not be afraid that the child will be tormented by the questions “Why are you sleeping together?”, “What are you doing there?” – on the contrary, children for whom the love of a man and a woman is a daily reality, the norm, are almost not interested in sexual issues.
They like the subconscious instinct to learn that there is something that belongs so far only to adults. And for them it does not represent a heightened or painful interest.
It sometimes happens that love leaves forever and people only care about one question – what to do? Maintain relationships for the sake of children, so that they do not feel defective, or part, starting a new life?
Of course, in each case the decision will depend on many different circumstances, but there are common moments in the lives of children whose parents are on the verge of divorce or have already experienced it.
First, this sense of guilt. The child cannot understand all the complexities of adult relations; he, by virtue of his egocentricity, thinks that everything that happens is necessarily connected with him.
If the parents break up (and in this case someone leaves alone), it means that I didn’t suit him. And this feeling can persist for a lifetime – in the form of responsibility to parents and embarrassment in dealing with them.
Secondly, the tension. A child’s life is changing, and often not at all for the better.
Even if divorce was desired on both sides, the relationship is difficult to make once and for all ex. Often there are grounds for disputes, quarrels and claims.
And it’s good if everyone understands that the child just needs to be protected from all the negative phenomena of the divorce period. Otherwise, children can generally lose their footing, not understanding what is happening in this world. Mom Wari left her husband when she was 4 years old.
At first, everyone was satisfied that Varya lived with his mother, but then her husband began to insist on transferring the rights to the child to him. And although it was not possible to achieve this by judicial procedure, his demands for communication became more and more rigid. A series of scandals sometimes alternated with a lull, but it used to turn into real fights.
Grandmother took the child to her, to provide a more relaxed living conditions. But, even coming to visit a child, alone or together, parents could not resist mutual accusations. Two-year drama led to the fact that Varya began to stutter badly, she was put on record with a neurologist.
Grandmother went with the girl to the doctors and special classes. And the parents … The parents got married again.
Their hatred was as strong as love, and the renewed family became only stronger. But children cannot understand all this, and their losses as a result of battles of adults may be irreparable.
Another case of family love drama is treason. According to the results of studies in 2007, 76% of men and 50% of women living in large cities have periodic or permanent love relationships on the side.
It would seem that this is related to children – after all, your own partner is unlikely to know anything. It may not find out, neither the partner, nor the child (he also does not know the concept of adultery), but everyone will feel it. When people live together for more than two or three years, their mutual sensitivity to emotions sharpens.
We all understand without words – by eyes, by smell, by voice, by intonation, gestures. We feel – and it causes anxiety.
But formally we get the confirmation of the opposite: “No, dear, I love only you, it all seemed to you.”
And when months and years go on like this, anxiety appears even more dangerous. Unconscious family anxiety (as psychologists call it) manifests itself in constantly hovering obscure fear, the struggle of thoughts with feelings.
It is exhausting and sometimes leads to a nervous breakdown, but, what is even more unpleasant, children suffer from it. The feeling that “something is wrong, but I cannot understand what it is,” is also transmitted to them.
It is impossible to call such a situation normal, especially since scandals (formally – on other occasions) occur in such families much more often. So without a constructive approach is not enough.
In any situation it is important to remember that there are children in the family, and they are in no way to blame for the conflict between the parents.
If a child gets used to the love relationship of his parents since childhood, then remarriage of a mother or father can be stressful. For a child, a new elect for a long time will be just a stranger, at best, a good friend.
And the reaction to your feelings with him may be completely unexpected.
“Parents divorced when I was three years old. I lived with my mother, but often spent the weekend with my father.
Then mom got married. “Now it will be much better for the three of us,” she told me. But personally, I did not feel better. I remember well how the New Year made a wish for a new husband to fall through the ground.
Now, of course, it is embarrassing for silly children’s thoughts – especially since Alexander turned out to be a very good person. But then it was unpleasant for me to kiss my mother when I knew that she had kissed him too. ” What to do?
Try to be more sensitive to the child and understand what he is experiencing in this situation. Perhaps he is ready to accept everything as it is – then do not worry.
But perhaps the situation is too traumatic for him, and then, you should not show feelings too openly. No unnecessary explanations are needed, attempts to instill that he should respond more positively.
Wait, give yourself time to figure it out, or at least get used to it.