The first “authoritative” people in the life of a baby are parents. At first, their authority is unconditional and absolute: for mom and dad, for the crumbs, the only objects of love and imitation. But closer to three years, the situation is changing.
The child mastered the basic skills of self-service, met other relatives (grandparents, aunts-uncles) and just strangers, saw different behaviors and attitudes, learned to express their opinions. Now the postulate “we are your parents, so you must. “Does not work as before.
It’s time to make an effort and prove to the child that you deserve to be his authority.
With parental authority as a given or talent are not born – it is consciously formed in the family during the upbringing of the child. Work is painstaking. Therefore, before talking about credibility, it is important to decide what is the purpose and the intended results of its impact.
That the child was good and “comfortable”? Or so that he gets the maximum development of his abilities, the right psychological and personal education?
“There was a wonderful baby, and then suddenly, as a substitute, it doesn’t obey at all” is a common complaint of discouraged parents who seek help from a child psychologist. As a rule, behavioral problems express themselves especially loudly during the so-called “crisis” periods – 1.5 years, 3 years, 7 years … But is an always obedient child the “right” child?
Of course, to achieve obedience from the baby is easier than to earn credibility. That’s just not the same thing!
What is the difference? Recognition of authority is exercised voluntarily, with desire, on the basis of respect. Obedience is often a forced pattern of behavior.
For example, a child may obey his parents to avoid punishment. Therefore, an arrogant and problem-free schoolchild who never indulges, learns from the fives, and in the evenings reads books and plays chess — not necessarily a happy and happy teenager with his life.
Perhaps he simply has no choice? And obedient children, brought up in conditions of false authority, often grow into uncontrollable adolescents.
There is a great temptation to win children’s authority at any cost. The so-called false (unconstructive) authority is achieved not by mutual respect and close emotional contact, but with the help of various kinds of manipulations.
- The authority of repression is based on fear and the suppression of any initiative. This is almost complete authoritarianism (or “military authority”). Imagine that there is a grandfather in the family, whom everyone fears and unquestioningly obey him – like soldiers to a general. With any hint of disobedience or misbehavior, the “general” is irritated and threatened with retribution — psychological or physical.
- The authority of kindness – mom and dad play the role of “good angels”. Often, these are the parents of a late child or a child who “got them hard,” often get sick, etc. A crumb with this kind of upbringing often has difficulty forming internal boundaries and defining the concepts of good and evil in a broad sense. This type of authority leads to the fact that leadership in the house passes to the child. The extreme form of such authority is permissiveness (if dad forbade something, and mom allowed it, her authority rose sharply). This does not lead to anything good: if a family has a mixed style of authority (for example, a mother uses the authority of kindness, and the father has the authority of repression), the child is constantly in a situation of unstable values.
- The authority of distance can be both real and psychological. For example, Vasya is drawn to dad, because dad lives separately or constantly on the road, and Masha has more authority than mom, because mom thinks that you need to keep a distance with your child so as not to spoil it. The kid feels an acute sense of isolation, which in the future is fraught with problems for him in communication.
- The authority of pedantry is ensured by vigilant parental control and care. Here the principle of unquestioning obedience works. “Why so?” – “Because!” Pedantic authority differs from an authoritarian one only in that it is carried out through the irrational suppression of the child’s will (soft imposition, moralizing, selecting the initiative of choice). With such upbringing, children usually grow up “on their minds”, they are forced to pretend that everything their parents say is correct.
- The authority of “bribing” – parents “bargain” and deserve the child’s obedience. Often this approach to education is the “weakness” of people who in their past had material limitations. They believe that the baby should not know the refusal, and will give him everything that they did not have. Such an approach forms a consumer style of behavior of a child who has no discipline of desires, and consequently, no motivation: he who bought (donated) more (and more) bought / presented, is also in authority.
The younger school and preschool age is the time in which the child lays the moral foundation of behavior. Only with the right strict upbringing based on respect and demanding obedience is the harmonious formation of a small person possible!
1. Respect, emotional closeness and trust – three pillars of parental authority. Make the child trust you, not afraid. Do not lift the bar of requirements too high and do not compare it with other children (“Stepa at your age already reads books himself, and Masha puts the clothes in the wash”).
More often say: “I love you”, “I love you, no matter what”, “I love you, even when you are angry,” “I love you, even when I myself am angry with you.” The kid should know that you are a priori on his side: you may be dissatisfied with his act, but not with him!
2. Respect his needs (but do not ignore your own!). Be interested in the life of the child, his hobbies, interests. If some of them seem to you trivial and not worth the attention, think about why they attracted him.
Ask him: “What are you thinking about?”, “How do you think, why did this happen …”, “What will happen if …”, “What is your most pleasant memory of the day?”.
3. Protect. Do not allow other people (“friends” in the sandbox, caregivers, grandmothers at the entrance) to offend and humiliate your child.
4. Do not be fooled! Try not to promise with three boxes and make every effort to fulfill obligations.
It is very difficult to regain lost confidence.
5. Allow him (and yourself) to make mistakes, teach him to admit his mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Tell your baby that any mistake is an opportunity to gain experience.
And if you condescendingly treat your own misses, it will be easier for him to accept his own.
6. Be smart. Share knowledge that meets the needs of the child: patiently respond to hundreds of children’s “why” and do not be lazy to look for information when you do not know the answer.
Show how to do something instead of prohibiting it (how to fold clothes, how to cut vegetables for salad, how to take care of a pet, etc.).
7. Set an example. Do everything for yourself what you would like to teach your child. The example of parents should inspire the child to follow the values that are “broadcast” in his family.
Agree, it will be difficult to inculcate in the child a love for a healthy lifestyle by parents who do not adhere to such a child or convince him that it is not good to deceive while systematically cunning (for example, crossing the street to a red light or driving a hare in public transport). Want him to love to read?
Let him see you more often with a book. Would you like to be mobile and active?
Do not sit at home by yourself.
8. Practice in your listening skills. Listen to your child in the car, on the way to kindergarten, while playing in the sandbox and with cars – try to guess the true feelings that are behind the children’s words.
9. Clearly build the boundaries of what is permitted! Sometimes you can sacrifice accepted rules (go to bed later or eat candy instead of pasta), but there are situations when “no” should mean a firm “no”.
There is no way to gain lasting authority by widespread prohibitions and “chronic” punishments for disobedience. What actions primarily undermine parental authority?
- Lies and unkept promises;
- the discrepancy between theory and practice (I say one thing – do another);
- ignoring the needs of the child;
- hyper care;
- frequent punishments;
- ridicule and humiliation;
- periodic demonstration of parents’ disrespect for each other, as well as other family members (for example, a grandmother with a child expresses doubts about the mother’s “effectiveness” of the mother);
- alcohol and drug intoxication of parents in the presence of a child who may feel insecure, as well as disappointment and shame for an adult.