It’s great if you tell the kid how you were little. Especially if you not only brag about marks and other achievements, but share your experience. You should not focus on your superiority, emphasize that it was easier for you to learn to read and you learned to swim before.
You and your baby are not rivals. For him, you are a role model. He understands that you are stronger and more able, because you are an adult, he wants to learn, to imitate you, to become “like a mother” or “like a father.”
If you are always stronger, smarter, and more capable, even when you were not an adult, then the kid can win and lose hope over time to catch up with you. Tell your child exactly how you achieved your success, what difficulties you experienced, what feelings you experienced.
This will bring you very close, will instill in the child pride for you and faith in yourself.
To paraphrase: “You know, I also fell a lot when I learned to skate. I even thought that I would never learn. But I really wanted to play hockey, and I decided to train every day.
Even a pillow tied under a jacket! After a couple of weeks, almost did not fall. And you will succeed!
Together we will drive the puck soon. ”
You must have heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is when you are very afraid that you will be late for the train, and you manage to be late, although you arrive at the station one hour before departure.
Or convince yourself that you will fail an interview at work … This same law works with children almost without fail. Children are literally programmed to fulfill parental expectations. Tell the child who is confidently twisting the pedal of a two-wheeled bicycle: “Be careful, you will fall!” – and you will surely soon hear the roar and howl.
But if you say: “I am afraid that you will fall!” – the result will be different. The kid will do everything to convince you. Psychologists are advised to use the so-called “I-messages” to warn the child about the possible risks or consequences of his actions.
In this form, they sound unfair for a child, because you are talking about your feelings, and not about his shortcomings.
To paraphrase: “I suggest leaving the toy in the car – I’m afraid that at school it may get lost. What do you think about it?”.
And we clarify: “I am happy that you have a brother … that you will learn to play the piano … that we are going to buy you a jacket.” We want to see our children happy.
Parents can feel like magicians when they manage to cheer up a sad kid or instill in him confidence in their own strength.
But even the happiest child may experience ambivalent feelings from time to time. Children (like adults) can love and hate at the same time. But since childhood, many of us have been taught to regard sadness, resentment, envy, anger, and other “negative” emotions as bad, wrong.
It is especially difficult to accept even your own “forked” feelings. We often deny the difficulties and contradictions, trying to convince ourselves that there is not a drop of envy in our admiration, there can be no rivalry and competition in friendship, and we feel love and gratitude towards our parents. We call restraint and self-control what is really a denial of genuine feelings and self-deception.
The result of such violence against oneself is alienation from one’s own emotional life, anxiety, apathy. Having instilled in the child a sense of guilt for the “wrong”, “unworthy” feelings, we will not make him happy and will not teach “to control himself”. You can teach your child to control the manifestation of feelings, actions, that is, behavior, but not the emotions themselves.
The best thing that parents can do in this situation is to help the child recognize and express his feelings, show understanding and sympathy. This is one way to make a child happy.
To paraphrase: “I see, you are both happy and not happy. It seems that you want to go with me and at the same time would be glad to stay at home. ”
“He is unmusical”; “And who are you so unsportsmanlike?”; “Yes, the artist will not leave you” … Parents often do not think about the destructive consequences of such comments. An inferiority complex, low self-esteem, anxiety and unwillingness to succeed – like everyone knows where it all comes from. Psychologists tirelessly urge parents to reject evaluative comments about the child and use every opportunity to strengthen his faith in his strength.
However, it is still easier for parents to focus on the shortcomings and weaknesses of the child. Often the annoyance of parents is explained by the desire to see the child first, the best in everything. If the child does not have, in the opinion of the parents, outstanding abilities, then it is better to keep him away from those activities where he will not “shine”.
You don’t have perfect pitch, you don’t need dancing classes and guitar courses. Plump figure – it means sport is not for you. The child is timid and shy – it means you should not record it in the drama school.
Meanwhile, children’s clubs and clubs exist not only for geniuses and champions! If the child is interested in doing something, he gets pleasure, do not deprive the child of hope, give him a chance to try his strength again and again.
Children’s curiosity is not always easy to satisfy. Sometimes you have to admit: this is not a child too young to understand, and we ourselves do not know the answer to a question or do not find the right words. Phrases like “you are still small”, “you will know a lot – you will soon become old”, etc., adults use to dismiss children’s questions or make it clear that they are not inclined to talk.
If a child hears such an answer all the time, after a while he really stops pestering his parents with questions. But is this a good result? To maintain curiosity, to stimulate interest in the world is necessary.
In addition, the phrase itself has a dishonest message. The child is told that adults know everything. But why then they can not share knowledge with children?
Or want to learn something new ashamed? A kid can have a mystical idea of where knowledge comes from: a person automatically learns everything, having reached a certain age (or even height).
So, to become smart, you just have to wait, and not study encyclopedias.
If you do not know the answer to the question, honestly say so. Promise that together you will find the answer in books or on the Internet – and keep your promise.
To paraphrase: “So, you are interested in space? Great! You asked a difficult question, without preparation it will be difficult for me to answer.
Let’s ask dad tonight. And you can also go to the library … “
In saying this, you, firstly, sign in your own impotence and incompetence, and secondly, you impose on the child responsibility for your state and sense of omnipotence. The kid may decide that he controls you and is able, at his own discretion, to change your mood. Should I push him to experiment in this area?
In addition, it is unlikely that only a child is guilty of your tiredness and irritation – as a rule, parents lose their temper for dozens of reasons: problems at work, fatigue, difficulties in marital relationships, feeling unwell … If you feel “on the verge” pretend that you are full of vigor, and play a romp with the child. Being honest with your baby is not bad. This does not mean that you should devote him to the course of adult problems.
The point is that you have the right to fatigue, sadness, and even anger. It is better to send the baby to the nursery for a time-out or arrange a time-out for yourself than to “hold the face” until the last and eventually explode.
To paraphrase: “I had a difficult day, I need to rest. Can you play quietly in your room?
And later we will drink cocoa and read a fairy tale. ”
Sarcasm, unlike humor, as an educational device is very dangerous – first of all, by destroying good relations, creating a barrier of misunderstanding. The child may not look offended, but this does not mean that his stinging remark did not hurt. Kids tend to take the meaning of what is said literally.
Saying “Your place in the pigsty!” Or “You have no brains at all!”, You can seriously scare the child. Older children, who are often ridiculed, become withdrawn, anxious, unsure of themselves.
They themselves can gladly make fun and tease their comrades in school and spend whole hours thinking about plans to revenge offenders. Sarcasm, evil sneers act no less destructive than other types of aggression, therefore in dealing with a child it is better to abandon them altogether.
You will appreciate this gesture of goodwill when the child reaches adolescence.
With phrases like this, it seems, everything is clear. It sounds rough and humiliates the child. We will not talk like that with a friend or colleague.
You know that in such a tone you should not talk to children either. But sometimes children really bring us to a white-hot, and emotions break out of control. We are no longer able to restrain anger or irritation, we suddenly cease to strive to express them correctly and turn … most often into our own parents.
We shout to children the very words that hurt us so much in childhood. We cease to be like ourselves, lose our face, do not recognize our voice.
Anger fills our whole being, devours us, we allow it to prevail over all other senses. But in reality we are not powerless in the face of this wild power.
We can learn not to lose ourselves – if we learn to recognize and recognize our feelings. “I am angry,” “I am terribly angry,” “I am just beside myself!” “I am very offended!” – speaking about ourselves, about our own condition, we regain ourselves and get a chance to avoid victims and destruction.
To paraphrase: “I was terribly angry when I saw you hitting a younger brother. I am just beside myself when I see how strong it offends the weak! ”