With the birth of a child, almost every young family is faced with a so-called first-born crisis. It is not surprising, because with the completion of the family in it a lot is changing, and most importantly, the spouses acquire a new status: father and mother.
New roles, these are new responsibilities, responsibilities, first difficulties. Alas, not every family is able to cope with the trials.
What causes conflicts most often? There are many reasons, but identifying them, moms and dads, it will be easier to stop quarrels at the root.
Exit from the usual comfort zone. With the acquisition of a new status in the family, the whole way of life has changed.
Dyad mother-child was in the center of the family universe, around which everything revolves. Friends and girlfriends went into the background.
Relationships with childless couples have ceased to be relevant. Many familiar things (clubs, concerts, cinemas, fishing) moved away indefinitely.
The financial situation has changed. The responsibility of the father for the future of the family makes him think about how to strengthen the material base. The cost of the child has become inevitable.
Often the father is trying to take on the additional burden of making money: he agrees to a part-time job, gets a second job. This feeling of responsibility for the family (and the feeling of tiredness of the father) can also aggravate the situation in the family.
parents can also generate conflict situations. This is especially noticeable in families where the style of experiencing pregnancy was euphoric, with a non-critical attitude to possible problems. With such an attitude during pregnancy, the child is perceived as something puppet, toy, the future with him is seen only in pink, iridescent colors.
Faced with reality, with the understanding that the child is not a toy, but a living person, requiring proper care, treatment and mobilization of all family resources, young parents start to panic. All this translates into conflicts, recriminations. Three other negative styles of experiencing pregnancy, by the way, can also lead to conflicts after giving birth.
Anxious, when the mother, because of her heightened anxiety, cannot relax, and fear for the child keeps her and her whole environment in tension. Ignoring when a woman ignored her pregnancy, and the pregnancy prevented her.
It will also interfere with the child that appears. Rejecting is a style of experiencing with harsh negative emotions, disgust, and treating a child like a square.
This attitude of the mother to the child will be reflected in the care of the baby, which, of course, will not be understood by the spouse and the immediate environment, leading to conflicts.
Unwillingness to parenthood. Another very important cause of conflict: lack of readiness for parenting or parental incompetence, poor understanding of the meaning of fatherhood and motherhood, the child’s place in the hierarchy of values, unformed skills of care for the baby. Low level of control over emotions, an increased level of anxiety, inability to self-regulate, low resistance to stress, etc.
Low intellectual abilities, unwillingness to learn and master new knowledge can be attributed to a low cognitive resource. A familiar picture, when a young mother does not know what to grab, a screaming child, a chaotic, modeless day, fatigue of both parents, and as a result scandals, shouts, tears.
Internal Relationship. Young mothers often forget that they now have two roles.
Not only the role of the mother, but also the role of the wife. And these two roles are parallel: neither the child nor the spouse should be denied their rights. Conflict situations arise when a spouse suddenly begins to feel rejected.
Appears a kind of jealousy of the child. After all, all the attention of his wife is now primarily subordinated to the little creature.
But before, everything was for Him! And borscht, and ironed shirt, and beautiful linen in the evening! With his mind he will understand what it is connected with, but it will become difficult for the heart to experience the emotional and physical distance, coupled with the psychological burden of responsibility for the family.
Internal stress will escalate into verbal or non-verbal aggression.
The conflict of generations. Of course, not only mom and dad are waiting for the baby in the family, but grandmothers and grandfathers who are ready to contribute to his upbringing, to provide all possible assistance.
Often, however, on the rights of more experienced ones, the older ones consider it in the order of things to be aggressively inculcated into the young family with their own tips and rules, including the care of the baby. Sometimes these tips are at odds with modern approaches. If such an introduction is uninvited and aggressive, it can cause a reaction of rejection, rejection, irritation.
Young people are not only children, but parents themselves, they are able to make decisions on their own, and they have the opportunity and the right to ask for advice if necessary. The situation is aggravated by the fact that each grandmother is also the mother of one of the spouses, who can stand in her defense.
Here it is quite close to the conflict.
So that natural stress due to the appearance of a baby in the family does not end with drama, moms and dads should get acquainted with the recommendations of a psychologist. These tips will help not only to overcome conflicts and easily get out of quarrels, but also to reduce them to a minimum.
- Distribution of roles To avoid chaos and confusion in the first weeks and months, and also, so that some family members do not feel unnecessary and redundant, clearly distribute responsibilities. The closest circle of the baby is the mother, then the father, then the grandparents (if they are near). And only after all the others. Such is the hierarchy of attachments in the baby. And it is not necessary for the whole family to push around at the cradle, everyone should have their own clear powers and functions. The same procedure must be established if the spouses live separately from their parents. They should discuss among themselves in advance who will do what, who takes on what responsibility and what for. The young mother will be able to line up the day regimen by adjusting to the biological rhythm of the baby. When there is such a regime, it is easier to plan everything else. The distribution of responsibilities, contractual relations and a competent daily routine makes life easier for young parents, leaving room for rest.
- Parent’s Day Moms and Dads, be attentive to each other and keep a sense of humor! It will help to transfer all difficulties much easier. If there is an opportunity to leave the child to the grandmother or other close relatives, arrange a conjugal holiday at least once a month. For example, going to a restaurant or a movie, a play or a concert. Anywhere. But only without a child! It brings together, makes it possible to relax a bit, not to feel detached from life, and at the same time allows you to miss the baby. It is also necessary to give young mother time for her own needs, for example, to go to a beauty salon. Spend as much time as possible together, and when the baby is a little older, take it with you to visit and in the children’s cafes.
- Female wisdom With the advent of the new role of mother, a woman does not lose the role of a wife. And the spouse in no way should feel rejected. A wise woman will never let her husband know that he has suddenly become less desirable. Breastfeeding is not the cause of failure to spouse in sex. Otherwise, the young dad will seek consolation on the side.
- Positive communication Try to share your thoughts and feelings, be patient with each other. Remember that both of you are going through a difficult period. And more often do what gives you mutual pleasure, because the child perceives the general atmosphere in the family, and through the mother’s milk can receive not only negative adrenaline (if the mother is in a stressful situation), but also endorphins, if she is happy! A child is happy when his parents are happy!