When we say no to a child, there are three kinds of difficulties. Some parents find it difficult to find the right words, for example, so as not to offend a child. Others, in principle, it is difficult to say no, and each time they have to overcome the internal barrier.
It is not easy for the third to withstand the negative response of the child when they hear from the crumbs statements like: “You are bad!”, “You don’t love me!”, “I don’t love you”. Here you can experience a whole range of feelings from guilt and anger to a feeling of complete helplessness and personal failure.
However, prohibitions to the child are vital. We will tell you how to enter them as painlessly as possible.
The child is actually not easy to put up with restrictions. He also finds it difficult to control his emotions.
But in life, children will face situations where not everything will be as they want. It will be better for any child if he learns to experience this experience in contact with a close adult. Then he will meet with empathy, support and help in recognizing his own emotions.
So don’t be afraid to say no to your child. Remember: bans are vital for him. Parent “no” helps to establish the boundaries that are needed for the normal development of the psyche of the baby.
It acts as a support, as a wall that gives children a sense of security. After all, without borders the child becomes anxious, the world in his view ceases to be safe.
Of course, the baby can react negatively to the introduction of prohibitions. So he checks your boundaries and tries to loosen them.
However, if you are calm, consistent, speak with your spouse as a united front, the child will accept the new rules.
If the parent is afraid to take responsibility, he communicates with the child from the position of “friend”. Then it is difficult for him to refuse and prohibit. If an adult takes a childish position, he actually waits for the baby to become a comforter for him. Such moms and dads often say: “Have pity on mommy, I have so many things to do, and here you are with your whims!”, “Dad is so tired at work, spare me today! ”Some parents, worse, act from a position of power or violence.
Any situation where you have to say no to a child can cause them irritation or anger. At the same time, they do not appeal to the child’s behavior or a specific situation, but in fact exposes him guilty, “bad”. Often they say, for example: “You are bad, therefore it is impossible!”, “You only do that you want something!
Shut up! You only need to eat sweets / play / disobey cartoons, etc., ”“ Shame on you! I do so much, and you! ”For a child, such a ban is seen as an attack and a manifestation of aggression.
In addition, he is strengthened in the thought that he is bad. In response, he has nothing left to do, how to protest, snap or cry.
In doing so, he may feel resentment, shame, guilt, helplessness, or anger. Needless to say, the relationship between the baby and parents in all these scenarios deteriorate.
To make contact, try to act differently.
- Do not go to extremes. When there are too many bans, freedom remains too little. In the near future, protest or apathy is possible, and in the future this may result in the inability to make an independent choice and even the absence of one’s own desires (for what would you want if it is still banned).
- It is important that parents act as one. In order for a child not to clash adults, listening to someone who is more profitable, it is important for adults to agree among themselves what is exactly allowed and what is not. If an unforeseen situation has arisen and your spouse has resolved something with which you do not agree, support his authority with the child, leaving a “showdown” for the moment when you are left alone.
- In education, it is important to be consistent. For the same things, consistency is necessary. If in the morning the child hears “no”, and in the evening “yes”, the child will stop listening and respecting you.
- Denying is important, taking care. That is, should be prohibited, sympathizing. From a position of caring, it is easier for a child to accept the ban and accept it. In this case, your relationship with the child does not deteriorate. Tell the child that you understand his feelings, but at the same time be firm: “I know that you really want to, but you can’t.”
- Barring something to a child, it is important to remain in the position of an adult – to be confident and calm in relation to the child. If you start to get annoyed, then you lose this position.
- Help your child cope with emotions by naming the feelings he feels when you say no to him. And be sure to offer your support. “Yes, you want to play so much, but it’s time to have lunch / go home / sleep, etc.”, “It upsets you / you are angry. Come to me, I will regret / calm you “
- Up to 5 years, the attention switching method works fine. “Will you collect the toys yourself?” Or will we do it together? What is your favorite? Where do we start? What do you want to do at home? What kind of cartoon do you want to watch? “Etc.
As a rule, the categorical “no” we use in cases where the child’s actions concern his safety or can damage his health. In addition to this word, there are other ways to formulate a ban.
1. “Because dad and I decided so”
This phrase saves the parents of tireless pupils. When questions roll in non-stop mode and at some point there is an urgent need to stop them, you can use this maneuver.
Or when the strength to satisfy the curiosity of the baby, well, it does not remain.
2. “In our family this is not accepted”
This formulation is suitable for those cases when you want to convey family traditions or family values to the children. For example, in your home they do not curse / do not eat foods that have fallen on the floor / do not leave dishes on the table, etc.
3. “You shouldn’t do that”, “No need to say so”, “They don’t shout in public places”
It looks like a ban, but softer, because it is impersonal. This formulation allows you to look at yourself and the situation from the outside. And it does not give rise to strong negative feelings towards oneself in a child.
He does not feel bad, guilty. Impersonal bans are easier to accept, and in fact your task is not to scold or intimidate, but to correct his behavior.
For this reason, try to avoid “you-messages” (“You are bad”, “You are behaving unbearably”, “You don’t do it again!”). For any mentally healthy person, be it an adult or a child, they provoke protest, rejection and a desire to argue or defend themselves.
4. “It is impossible. Choose – do this or like this? “
This formula can be used when you prohibit a child from doing something, but immediately suggest that you choose one of two alternative options, both of which suit you. So you give your baby a chance to make a decision on their own.
Of course, such experiments should be put in situations when it comes to trifles, and not about child safety issues.
5. “This act is bad”
When we use this phrase, we characterize the behavior or deed, and do not give an assessment to the child himself and do not hang the label. The kid reads perfectly that it is not he who is bad, but an act that is bad, and then it is much easier for him to correct himself. But the textbook phrase comes from Soviet times: “Good children do not behave this way” – it is better not to use it at all.
The child instantly believes that he was recorded in the category of “bad.” Such criticism from the lips of native people can greatly traumatize the child’s psyche, and will not cause healthy enthusiasm for sure.