Claims, insults, disrespect. Some daughters-in-law are so accustomed to not loving the husband’s mother and grandmother of their children, that they don’t even remember where their mutual hostility grows from.
It doesn’t matter “who first started” in each specific situation. Responding with hatred to hatred, not wanting to compromise, women in a pair of “mother-in-law-daughter” are locked in a vicious circle until the end of joint coexistence.
Complaints of the next “victim” remind popular jokes about the unfortunate daughter-in-law and evil mother-in-law. While preparing this article, I specifically looked in on several female Internet forums where this topic was discussed.
I went in and … almost immediately left. It is difficult to endure so much pain, suffering and selective verbal sloping of the conflicting parties without detriment to mental health.
It seems that the members of this interest club do not suspect that there is an alternative to their life. Or they do not believe that relations in the “mother-in-law” union are of a different quality – friendly, partner, family. And already very few people say that he tried to improve relations with the mother-in-law.
Leading position “mother-in-law should.”
Among my friends and relatives, patterns of harmonious relations with in-law are found in about the same amount as examples of painful family ties. I like bright stories more.
What to go far: share yours.
I have an extraordinary mother-in-law. And I never call her that. She is for me almost 16 years old “mother Lena”.
To begin with, we met her much earlier than I recognized my husband. Several times I turned to the future mother-in-law, who then served in the police, for an interview for the newspaper.
That is, first we have developed the tandem “journalist-lieutenant colonel.” And only then, when she introduced me to her son, the tandem transformed into “Irisha and mom Lena”.
Our mother-in-law has different characters, different experiences, not always similar views on everyday processes. At the same time, we both differ in our responsibility and discipline, even though I did not serve in the police.
Both like to cook and maintain order in the house. Both love to read and travel.
And we both love our common man very much – her son and my husband, and children – her grandchildren.
But most of all we are united with her by a light attitude towards life. “Walk for a walk, shoot for a shoot!” The behavior of Lena’s mother in a situation where my husband and I decided to move to another city several years after the wedding is indicative in this sense. Contrary to the desire of the mother’s heart not to tear us away from herself, she helped prepare for the move. I made sure that a bag of potatoes was loaded into the car with things: you never know what adversities are waiting for children in a new place?
And finally, she also gave us “for the first time” 5 thousand rubles. The times were hard, the wages in the country were delayed for months.
This money, perhaps the last at that time in her wallet, was substantially supported by my husband and me.
Here are a few conclusions that I have made in 16 years of intercourse with my husband’s mother. Maybe they will be useful to you.
Even if you are now at war with your mother-in-law, believe me, everything is fixable. In order for family ties to bring joy, you need not so much.
1. Respect the other.
Relationship with the mother-in-law – a litmus test of the level of internal culture. In fact, such a culture is a universal thing. She easily verifies our relationship with anyone, from a timid waiter in a restaurant to a monstrous head of a large corporation.
A person with internal culture in any circumstances will not offend the waiter or fawn in front of the head. And even more so will not allow lack of culture in family relations.
Swars and insults begin for those who allow themselves to forget about the right of another to be different, about respect for the personality of a person unlike you.
“Stupid divorce, smart looking for a compromise.” This farewell, more than once rescued in life, was made at our wedding. Only the arrogant mother-in-law or the casual, arrogant replica of the daughter-in-law can ignite the unquenchable conflict of generations.
But if you have a desire to live a happy family life, you cannot do without reciprocal concessions. It is necessary to learn to hear the speech addressed to you, to forgive without subsequent reminders of a blunder, to be able to keep silence sometimes, so as not to regret later about what was said in a temper.
You just need to appreciate and respect. And not only her husband, but his mother too.
3. Forget about jealousy.
It is ridiculous to jealous mother in law to her husband. It only seems that you love one person. But whoever your spouse is – a brutal macho or a modest Zhenya Lukashin from “Twist of Fate”, you love each of your own.
This husband is for you a successful businessman or a modest office clerk, a successful doctor or a talented electrician, an unrecognized poet or a gambling car racer. And for his mom, he still remains the boy whose children’s scent and delicate curls on the back of the head she still remembers.
Your husband will always be for her “my son”, which is hard not to drag a new satchel to school. And she has the full moral right to this.
Psychologists say you want to win over a person – ask him for advice. It’s hard to disagree. By giving a person the opportunity to be useful and to show his worth, you make it clear that you value his opinion.
And even if you are “yourself with a mustache,” sometimes listening to the mother-in-law’s experience is useful. For example, I learned many of the economic and culinary tricks from her, and not from my mother, oddly enough. Yes, and some of her tricks to help communicate productively with people, too, took over.
In the case of unsolicited recommendations, there is a well-known recipe: listen to the advice, agree and do it your way. And it is pleasant to the person, and you do not betray yourself.
Lena and I live in different cities, but quite often she comes to us to help with the children. In the summer, they and their grandfather live in our country house, delighting in the beds and playing with their grandchildren with pleasure.
We often e-mail. She reads all my publications, advertises them to her friends.
My stories about children, intended for family familiarization, print and collect in a separate daddy. Yes, and on the phone to chat with us is always nice. And they communicate warmly with my mom.
I know that such relations among the matchmakers are quite rare. It doesn’t matter where your mother-in-law lives – a thousand kilometers away or on a nearby street. Call her, find out how the day went.
Believe, she will be delighted!