While the brain of an adult is “in balance” (his left hemisphere is responsible for logic and tranquility, and the right one is for emotions), the babies are mostly led by the right hemisphere. When a child becomes hysterical, his left hemisphere is turned off, which is why your calls to order do not work, and sometimes even inflame him more. The good news is that if you know about it, you should learn nothing to “communicate” with the dominant right hemisphere of the child.
Since this part of the brain responds best to facial expressions, body language and tone of voice, it is easiest to calm a tantrum with non-verbal communication and short phrases.
Reading various forums for parents, I very often come across desperate stories of young mothers about the almost unbearable behavior of their children. And almost all of these cases are described in the book of Dr. Karp.
Here are the most common ones.
Helen says: “My 2-year-old daughter Dasha, who was two years old at the time, having breakfast on a high chair, pinch off a crust from bread and yells:“ I don’t want a crust! ”I throw everything away and frantically cut off the crust from bread. The bottom line: a family breakfast in peace and quiet, I fly through the kitchen, fulfilling all the requirements of my daughter – all this in the hope that she will eat without hysteria. ”
What does a psychologist say?
Error parents: immediately give in to the whims.
We all sometimes succumb, we cannot do without it. But if you do it too quickly, then just encourage further nagging and moods.
Well, when you raise your voice slightly, responding to the emotions of the child. But the next time, instead of immediately fulfilling his request, repeat several short phrases from three to six times.
Use voice and gestures to make him understand that you understand his desire and how strong it is. Speaking specifically about this case, the children over one and a half years understand the words well, so shake your head, make a hand gesture and try to say something like: “You say:“ I don’t want a crust!
I do not want a crust! You don’t like her at all! ”This may seem strange. But at first, everything new seems strange.
Remember that you are talking to a person whose left hemisphere is completely off.
As soon as your child subsides a bit, help him calm down himself with the help of a technique that Dr. Karp calls “pause.” Start cutting the crust, then suddenly lift your finger up and say: “Well, wait a second, one second!” Stand back and pretend that you are looking for something for five seconds, then go back and finish cutting the crust.
This will teach the kid patience.
To curb the child’s passion for orders, try making a short list of choices for breakfast (“Oatmeal or toast? Banana or an apple?”) Better yet, talk about what to cook for breakfast the day before. plays toys.
From time to time, have lunch together with other children who behave well at the table.
Here is another mom’s message: “For two weeks in a row, my two-year-old Misha wakes up at dawn and wakes up her five-year-old sister Sonia. He turns their room upside down, scatters clothes, diapers, napkins, bed linen and books on the floor. I ask him to remove for himself, but otherwise – no cartoons.
But even this does not help. I do not know what else to come up with.
Is that put him to sleep in the bathroom. How to stop it?
What does a psychologist say?
Parental error: high expectations.
It is very good that you manage to maintain composure in such situations. If the child sees your irritation, it inflames him even more. Do not get involved in a serious “battle” about cleaning.
Come up with a system of stickers-awards – for the fact that the child is already doing well, and for what he is still working. For example, reward him for eating all breakfast and brushing his teeth. At this age, as a reward, kids need something tangible, like, for example, these stickers.
And agree that 3 stickers will cost 15 minutes of watching a cartoon or reading a favorite book. At bedtime, count them together and try to remember what each was received for. After several “successful” days, set a new goal – to collect toys.
If everything goes well, the next task is to clean the clothes from the floor.
Perhaps the baby will be stubborn and will not immediately cease to throw things around the room. The next time he does this, quietly take him out of the room and take him to something interesting.
Praise him for eating scrambled eggs or dressing himself. You can even use a stopwatch to turn the process into a competition if you have more than one child. Did not work?
Just say: “What a pity! Today there are no more stickers left. Let’s try tomorrow again. ”
Encourage all good deeds with stickers or a technique that Dr. Karp calls gossip: praise your child in a loud whisper by turning to someone else. For example: “Sonya, did you see how quickly Misha removed his designer today?” – pretending that you do not want him to hear you.
This is quite a long way. After two or three weeks, the child will meet you and, in the end, will understand that the easiest way to success (as well as to your favorite cartoon) is not to throw things around the room.
The mother of two girls complains: “Katya constantly takes away toys from Nastya. Clutching at something and shouting “Share!”.
A more mature Nastya usually replies that she has already shared and explains that if Katya does not return the toy to her, she will break / tear. But usually such rational arguments do not work on her.
Usually I feel calm about such situations, but if the toy is lost or broken, I can get out of myself and set rules that the children had no idea about before. When I become strict, children often do not take me seriously – they look at each other, mouth open in surprise, and begin to laugh. “
What does a psychologist say?
Parental error: no attempt to get children to hear you.
Great that you do not shout at children. We all know how a person feels when he realizes that he loses. In order for the child to respond to your words, it is necessary to combine in one phrase love and installation on clear rules.
Starting with phrases like: “You can break it” or “Leave the toy alone”, you do not have time to let the child understand that you accept his feelings. Because of this, he “riots” even more.
Act on his emotional right brain by repeating four or five short, sincere phrases that reflect his own feelings. This method also works with older children (and most adults), because the brain’s ability to understand complex language — and remain prudent — turns off when a person becomes angry, frustrated, or sad.
So say something like: “You really like this tablet, really. It’s fun to play with him, and I’m sure you could press the buttons and play all day. ”
When the child calms down a bit, say: “I have an idea: let’s go to the living room and see how to turn on the music!” Get rid of situations during which you answer each word of the child: “No.” Do not argue with his feelings, try to accept them.
Then you can say this: “It is a pity that I cannot leave you a tablet. If it falls, it will break.
If you want, sit on my lap and hold a tablet or give it to me, and we will play with it later. ”
At the same time, you can prevent some of these cases by not showing things to your child once again that are not intended for him, and by letting him throw out energy outside in games with friends.
1. Fulfill the desires of your children – in the imagination.
Next time, when a child starts to act up, for example, on his way to school, tell him something like, “Ah, so you don’t want to go to school? How great it would be instead to stay on the playground ”!
And then explain that you will stay five more minutes, until the teacher asks you to leave.
If you want children to lose their balance less often, pay more attention to them. Throughout the day, hug them often, clap them on the shoulder and smile at them.
Your baby should feel like a winner in good moments, then there will be less bad ones.