Psychologists have long noticed that the order of birth affects the character of the child and his fate. Older children often grow up leaders, but they suffer from low self-esteem, because their parents rarely praise them and expect too much from them. The eldest child can become the best mother’s and father’s assistant, if you do not demand the impossible from him.
The child will not be able to become an adult at our request, even if he himself strongly desires this. He should have the same right to stupidity and mistakes, like the younger one.
He is no less than the younger, in need of our attention and support!
And we ourselves can show children an example of respect for the personality of a person of any age and his needs. Then we may be able to avoid rebellion and raise children in unison. Family roles of “big” and “small” are dangerous for both children, because they force them to act according to the imposed scenario, deprive them of spontaneity and sincerity and, like any other roles, restrict their inner freedom.
A child who tries to be an example to follow is hard to be creative, explore the world and make mistakes in order to learn something. He needs to keep his face. The “small” tries to keep the “baby” privileges as long as possible and becomes infantile, refuses to grow up – for a very, very long time.
Sometimes old age.
Alas, these rhetorical questions are more often heard in supermarkets, on playgrounds, on the beach and in cafes – everywhere where tortured mothers bring their cheerful and active children and where these kids, as if by agreement, begin to check the boundaries of education for strength. All moms know that you can not call a child abnormal, stupid, fool, and an idiot, etc.
And almost everyone knows that you should blame the child himself, and his behavior. But when we have breathlessness from indignation and we cannot keep in the image of the right mommy, the invisible inner prompter suddenly makes it repeat this remark.
And what to do? To begin with – at least five breaths and breaths.
Drink water. Try to think about something pleasant – about a vacation, for example. Recall that in a couple of hours this incident will not matter.
And it also helps to imagine – if a significant adult for you (for example, your boss) were in place of the child – would you let off steam? One mother tried this method, and unexpectedly for herself in the most tense moment, she laughed when she imagined the chef crawling in a cafe under the tables and depicting animals of Africa. The children fell into a stupor, as they expected a completely different reaction from the mother and partly even lost interest in their game.
Of course, not everyone has a vivid imagination, a good sense of humor, and moms have different temperaments. But with practice comes experience and self-confidence. The main thing – do not give up and do not give up.
Any bad habit can be defeated!
To compare children with each other is the best way to spoil their relationship. From birth, let the children feel that you love them not equally, but in different ways, but equally strongly.
As often as possible, emphasize the individual characteristics of each of the children, admire them and try to avoid any comparisons. Avoid conspiracies and groupings.
It is true that in different periods of life we can feel a special closeness with one of our children. But even if the actions of one baby are not clear to you, and the character of the other seems ideal, avoid showing the children that you made a choice and preferred one of the children to the other. After all, this is how children understand our phrases like: “Take an example from your brother!
He never gets dirty! “Or” But your sister at your age has already read thick books! “If it’s hard for you to do without comparisons, compare the different behaviors of the child. For example, say: “Yesterday you were so quiet, diligent, and today you are just a volcano of energy. It’s hard to believe that this is the same child! ”
With this phrase, parents usually try to tell the child about their feelings, seeking to get sympathy from him, but instead only confuse him. The main goal of all baby tricks is to cause our admiration, to get approval, which means to make us happy.
When we report that with all his efforts he has achieved only our suffering, the kid begins to lose faith in himself.
Messages like “How tired I am of you!”, “You will drive me crazy!” Or “How much you can torture your mother!” Do not give the child any information about what he did wrong. But at the same time he feels that he acted very badly.
Or maybe any of his actions are only anguish for his parents, and they are unhappy because of him? Guilt feelings can lead to increased anxiety and neurosis. Therefore, parents need to learn to inform the child not only about their dissatisfaction, but also about the reasons for which it was caused.
For this, as well as for talking about feelings, psychologists advise to use “I-messages”. Compare: “I’m so tired of you!” And “I’m tired of the noise.
Let’s think of a quiet game, ”“ You’ll drive me crazy! ”And“ I’m very angry when all the clothes are scattered around the room. ”
Here is one of the phrases with which an adult can prove to a child that he has a magical gift. Because this prophecy is being fulfilled in 9 out of 10 cases, and this is followed by a reply: “I told you!” Parents know everything and can predict the future – the child eventually becomes convinced.
Our statements and comments act akin to hypnosis. “You will lose!” “You will fall!” “You will get dirty!” “They will laugh at you!” I lost, fell, got dirty, laughed. Mom guessed right. The child will only accept.
Do not try to hold tight to the branches. Do not take a kindergarten toy mascot.
Do not try to build a dam in a puddle. Do not reinvent the wheel.
And when mom says “He is afraid of everything” – accept as a fact.
Of course, your baby is not unbearable, but his words and actions are sometimes difficult to endure. If you simply stick a label – “intolerable”, “armless”, “coward”, “unheard”, etc., we will only fix undesirable behavior, which later can greatly complicate the child’s life.
If our goal is to make behavior more tolerable, we will have to patiently and persistently explain to the child exactly what actions we consider to be unacceptable, explain, remind about the consequences, set boundaries, pronounce, arrange time-outs, discuss, actively listen and again and again struggle with the desire shout: “You are simply unbearable!”
Another phrase that did not stand the test of time. Her “translation” – “you are dearer to me than everyone”, “I love you more than anyone” is understandable to any parent, but the child can literally take him – parents think that he is “better” than all other children.
What does this mean, the baby does not fully understand, but he knows that the “good” are praised, they receive more attention, affection and approval. So, we must compete with other children for the attention and love of adults. Usually, parents are not bothered and even touches the demonstrative behavior of children, play to the public, the desire for primacy.
What is wrong with the desire to win? It is nice to see your child as a leader, champion, excellent student, etc.
However, quite rarely, this parental dream coincides with the inner need of the child. Not all children are born with leadership qualities, and everyone has different abilities.
A three-four-year-old child with pleasure takes for granted the words of his parents that he is the best, but in the senior preschool age it becomes more difficult to stay on the pedestal. Some buddies run faster, some already know how to play a musical instrument or read more books.
The child compares himself with others and is becoming increasingly anxious. It is difficult for him to rejoice in the success of others, because he is anxious to surpass them.
At the same time, he unwittingly devalues his own achievements, they seem insufficient to him. If the parents intentionally or unconsciously inspire the child that he should be the best at everything, the baby can withdraw into himself or begin to rebel. Perfectionist parents can be advised to completely abandon the assessment categories for a while and try to do without all the grammatical forms of the words “bad” and “good”, as well as their synonyms.
When you praise a child or want to cheer him up, call him achievements and qualities, but do not evaluate. For example, instead of saying “Your drawing is the best at the exhibition!” Say “Many people at the exhibition stopped before your drawing.
He is so bright and cheerful. It was probably a lot of fun to draw it! ”
We dreamed of a musical career for our baby, but it turned out that he does not have a hearing. They hoped that we would spend evenings at the chess board together, but it was more interesting for the son to play “star wars” with the children in the yard. They wanted her daughter to become an excellent pupil, but she does not understand why she needs it … We, parents, spend a huge amount of energy, time and money, helping a child to succeed, to unleash potential and not to bury talents in the ground, and our hands sometimes fall when we see that our efforts do not bring the expected results.
Often we simply lack patience. We are waiting for success from the child, because we need an incentive to continue to carry him across the city to an art studio or pay for flute lessons.
We need a high appreciation of our efforts. We ourselves are afraid that “a good parent” will not “leave us”.
It is noticed that the label “nothing will leave you!” Is inherited. At one time, parents believed that such a prophecy would not hurt, but would awaken in the child ambition and athletic enthusiasm.
We repeat this phrase, which is generally terrible in its essence and power, automatically, without pondering its meaning. And if you think about it? Is it important for us to see a five-year-old baby a winner of the competition in order to risk his self-esteem and deprive our support for the sake of it?
And what exactly should “get out” of a child, if on the way to perfection a parent is ready to devalue his efforts and efforts? Do not rush to pass a sentence!
Children, even children of the same parents, develop at different speeds. Children who learn to read at the age of three read in middle school the same way as those who have not read until seven. Young geeks often in their teens are no different from their peers.
Remind yourself often that your child has everything ahead.
There is nothing bad in this phrase, on the contrary, it is indispensable. But if you have serious problems, do not deceive the child or assume that he “does not understand anything.” When parents experience grief or depression, the child will definitely feel that something is wrong.
Some signals children catch much better than adults. Sometimes you hear that children, for example, “know nothing” about the parents’ divorce or the death of a relative.
Parents are involved in a strange game – they have to deceive not only their children, but also themselves, trying to convince themselves that the family is “all right”. And when the child suddenly begins to suck a finger, write in bed or make tantrums, they are puzzled – why would it?
Not because of “adults” because of the problems?
Do not underestimate the innate ability of children to empathy, empathy. They are on the same wavelength with their parents and react to the slightest change in behavior and even in the mood of mom and dad.
By denying the obvious changes in a family’s life for a child, parents can make things worse. In essence, by acting in this way we refuse the child to help, leaving him alone with anxiety and fear. A child may begin to fantasize about the reasons for mom’s bad mood or her quarrels with her dad, or even blame herself.
The psyche has a mass of defense mechanisms that allow temporarily cope with stress. For example, regressive behavior – the child wants to return to a safe past, when he and his loved ones felt better. And begins to behave like a baby.
So, to discuss all family problems with a four-year plan? Of course not. But there are situations when it is better to tell the child in plain words the unpleasant truth than to deceive him.
It is better to prepare for such a conversation in advance, decide what is and what not to say, maybe consult with a psychologist and be sure to think about how to cheer up the child, give him hope that you will definitely find a way out and everything will be done. the ends get better.
The views of parents on education do not always coincide. One parent can be strict and demanding, and the other can allow everything. One put above all sport, another music.
One is to be a staunch vegetarian and the other is to consider a vegetable diet unacceptable for a child. One is to meticulously follow the daily routine, the other is to laugh at any timetables.
When parents live separately, the child is forced to adapt, constantly switching from one mode to another. No matter how difficult this task is, a child can eventually learn to live “into two families,” especially if they are not in a state of quiet enmity.
Here is a case in life. Mom, fearing colds, puts the child in a warm jacket, hat and scarf and the baby goes to her father.
When he comes back the next day, he does not have a scarf or gloves, he has lost his hat, the jacket is buttoned halfway. Mom is horrified. “And you walked like that with your dad in the park ?!” It turns out that dad laughed at the boy’s outfit, gave a lecture on the benefits of hardening, and also said that women don’t understand how to raise a real man. How did mom keep from commenting?
The situation is complex and it makes no sense to look for the right and the guilty here. Each of the parents wants the child to be kind, concerned about his health. And no one thinks about the fact that phrases like “Your father is a complete nothing” or “your mother understands a lot!” Do no less harm than an infection or cold.
A child is forced to choose whom to love, on whose side to stand and spend a huge amount of energy to achieve peace between his two beloved people, at least in imagination. By the way, if parents live together, such phrases do not become less dangerous, rather the opposite.