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Blog: Month three of trying for a baby
Who knew how trying for a baby would take over every inch of your existence?
As soon as my new husband and I had lsquo;the conversation and decided yes, we would no longer take all those steps to prevent us getting pregnant, damn, its all I can think about.
Ive been reluctant to use the term lsquo;trying for a baby as there is so much pressure as soon as you say it out loud – instead, Ive told myself we are lsquo;not trying not to. But who am I kidding – in an instant we became triers.
Now, every waking moment seems consumed with the subject. Every ache and pain could be a suggestion that Im pregnant. Every decision I take refers back to the possibility.
Ive got a headache – could I be pregnant? My back aches – could I be pregnant? That carrot tasted a bit weird, but my husband didnt agree – I MUST be pregnant. Can I book a holiday for next year? No, as I might be pregnant then, so well have to get a last-minute deal…
My period was three days late this month – OH MY GOD IM DEFINITELY PREGNANT.
How many pregnancy tests should I buy? Should I buy a pregnancy test or will it jinx it?
Except, I wasnt, Im not. Gosh, the feelings! So many feelings.
Disappointment, guilt, fear, a bit of relief (are we really ready?), certain relief because I had a small glass of wine at the weekend (taking over from the guilt of having a small glass of wine), then fear that I prevented a pregnancy because of that small glass of wine.
Then, the physical side of menstruating – I am certain that my body is mocking me, saying ldquo;HA! You want to get pregnant? Well, youre not, and were going to show you how much you definitely arent pregnant by giving you the WORST PMT youve ever had! HA!rdquo;
I had to take a day off work due to the intense migraine that accompanied my period, so bad that I almost fell down the stairs.
Alongside all of my internal feelings about trying for a baby come my reactions to colleagues and friends who think that our recent marriage means my fertility and the state of my uterus has become public property.
Suddenly, the subject of my potential pregnancy has become a blasé discussion point, without any impetus from me or my husband.
Everyone believes we will be pregnant immediately after getting married. Everyone thinks any tiny change in my mood is because Im pregnant.
Everyone thinks any comment on babies or baby gear (of which there is a lot, as I work for a parenting brand) means Im pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, or lsquo;getting some practice in.
And I feel so affronted by this. I have always been sensitive to the issue – it is an intensely personal subject and not of anyones business apart from mine and hubbys. Now, it takes on even sharper meaning.
As innocently as those jokes are made, as those lsquo;in passing comments are uttered, they scratch my insides. Each time I have to laugh along and say lsquo;no, Im not pregnant, ha ha, it hurts.
Every time I have to speak those words out loud is painful, as no, Im not pregnant, but I want to be, and youre just reminding me that Im not.
Even though were not proactively monitoring my temperature and working out to the hour when Im ovulating, Im still watching for those early signs of pregnancy. Im waiting for my period to the minute.
And I think about all those couples who are so much further on the trying-to-conceive journey than we are. Its only been three months, and I know it could take months or years, and that for many friends it has been a dramatic journey.
Im considering hanging a sign up at my desk saying ldquo;No, Im not pregnant, and if you mention it Im reporting you to HRrdquo;, but I dont know how that would go down…
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